Sunday, February 7, 2010


Two friends tried to persuade me to start going to church, for various reasons, including understanding God's arrangement. I'm not sure if I am ready for that path yet, since I do believe in God, I do "talk" to Him, only that I stopped asking questions.  I rarely asked God or the angels or anything like that what was the meaning of the breakup.  I've learned to accept and stop dwelling on it.  But yesterday, I did, out of anger.  I basically demanded an answer, and I do not recall being so angry about anything for a very very long time.

Yesterday morning I had my hair appointment at my usual salon.  I was supposed to leave before 1:30pm the latest, as I had a yoga class to attend.  I had really made it a point to my stylist - and because of some various reasons she ended up finishing an hour late.  And because she finished late, the most unexpected thing happened.  I saw in my mirror the reflection of my ex walking by in the blue hair salon robe.  My stylist also confirmed that her husband was cutting hair for my ex.  I was speechless.

It was unexpected because I had been persuading him for 2 years to go there instead of the other salons which had given him normally rather bad cuts, but he had never listened.  Why the hell did he go to my salon finally after we broke up?  If he had never trusted my recommendation, why did he trust it now?  And most importantly, since he has been avoiding me like plague, of all places why did he choose to go to "my" salon? 

We were like complete strangers.  I didn't want to walk over and say hello, not wanting to provoke him and make a fool of myself if he ignored me.

Strangely, the whole day I was very disturbed by this "meet up", not out of pain and sadness, but anger.  I couldn't really understand the anger boiling in me, I just knew that I wanted so hard to cry but I couldn't, there was no tears.  I tried to cry it out while in the yoga studio waiting for class to start, but I couldn't.  I was angry.

I don't know if I was angry about him going to "my territory" as if he was challenging me, or if I was angry simply at the whole "arrangement" by the higher beings.  I wasn't supposed to be there after 1:30pm.  Why was I?  It was as though something/ someone intentionally arranged it.  Why?  Why!

If he chose to vanish from my world completely like a dead* person, then STAY DEAD.  Why come back to life to haunt me?  Why?

For a week I was moving on well, finding peace within myself, accepting things as they happened and not angry at anyone.  In fact, I was never angry at him in the past 2 years.  Yes I felt hurt or upset sometimes about things like any normal person would, but I was never angry at him.  I loved him so much and truly felt blessed to have him as my boyfriend.  I smiled when I was far far away in some remote country reading his sweet SMS messages.

I don't understand this anger and I don't want it.  I have to find a way to lose it.

*Don't take this literally.  Of course I would never want him dead.  He chose to act like he was dead in my world.  I always hoped we could remain very close friends because I truly enjoyed his company.

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