Sunday, February 28, 2010

Good for a Laugh: Random Thoughts from People 20-35 Years Old

A friend forwarded the following "joke" to my email at work one day. I normally deleted this kind of emails, but I was bored and read this one, and had to cover my mouth and stop myself from bursting out laughing. I could totally relate to many of the "random thoughts" below, as highlighted. Enjoy!

Random thoughts from people 20-35 years old

- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.

- I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

- Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

- There is a great need for sarcasm font.

- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. holler homeboi

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies".

- What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories.

- Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning that just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

- If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem .

- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

- I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

- When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

- I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

- Why is a school zone 25 km/h? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

- My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

- I wonder if cops ever get p***ed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

- The other night I ordered take away and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Random moaning

Just want to moan a bit...

I was looking for my camera flash and found that I still haven't unpacked my suitcases from Morocco trip.  I've been trying to avoid touching them, maybe cos it may bring back memories of the day I arrived home from the airport, the day I wish I could forever erase from my memory.

I was looking for my LCA camera, and noticed that I still had a roll of unfinished Portra 400 film in my Fisheye camera.  As I am typing this, I recall he and I took this camera to TST before Xmas time to have dim sum in Peninsula.  We took pictures of the Xmas decorations - like a Xmas village with a chu chu train and and gingerbread house - outside the restaurant...


I actually loved taking pictures of him.  He was very photogenic and he loved the camera.  He also took some great pics of me, but he always thought I felt he wasn't good enough a photographer - when in fact I was just annoyed at myself looking tired, or hair not in the right place.

It would probably be quite emotional for me to look at the developed pictures, but I don't want to throw them away.  Anyways, the film is still in the camera and there's a few more frames left.


Yesterday I went to visit my friend Tracy and her beautiful dogs.  She has a big husky and a small shitsu.  The husky's name is M, and she is huge but on the slim side.  She doesn't bark, she literally lifts her head and HOWLS....  AHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  Pretty funny!  I've always wanted a dog... while I have always wanted a big dog as a true companion, I do also want a small toy poodle because I think it looks a lot like Tea Yee, my teddy bear.  Of course, I am not capable of looking after a dog now.  I can barely look after myself, and I still need to feed myself right and gain back some weight and muscles.

I've been smoking quite a lot.  It's so bad.  Though I stopped smoking Gudang Garam cos the nicotine level is really too high and it will kill me.  I must stop smoking soon, when I feel better.  (Wonder if it should be the other way around...if I stop smoking, I will feel better...)

My mom is going to see a specialist tomorrow for her spine.  She hopes she can be referred to another specialist for her gallstones.  Did I mention: my mom also has very high blood pressure and high cholesterol?  My mom is the most health conscious person I've known in my life.  Life is not fair, you see.  I've been trying to call my mom everyday to ask about her condition and all that.  I rarely called my mom so often.  She knew I was worried, not from my tone but from the frequency of my calls, and told me not to worry too much.  My heart was so sore, my whole life I never had a chance to look after her or spend much quality time with her because either she was depressed or we lived very independent, separate lives. 

My friend just asked me to talk to my dad and ask him to give my mom more attention and care.  I told her I couldn't - cos my dad gets annoyed whenever I try to talk to him about how I feel about things related to him.  In fact, it was because of this I couldn't deal with the same issue in my relationship.  It hurts me a lot and reminds me a lot about my relationship with my dad.  For years, I wished I could break those walls between me and my dad - but it doesn't seem like it will happen in this lifetime.  He is very stubborn.

For the first time in my life, I selected a few of my Morocco photos (film) to enter some type of amateur online competition.  I got the motivation to do it because for the first time I posted some pictures onto Lomography fan page on facebook, and surprisingly they got a good number of "likes" from other lomographers who didn't know me at all, as compared to a lot of other photos posted by others.  So I thought it could be fun.  

I should read my new book and sleep.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

This is Not an Icecream/ Gelato Sandwich


XTC in Hong Kong launched its gelato sandwich which I wrongly assumed to be like the North American icecream sandwich I grew up having at least one per day.

I was wrong.  Those XTC people clearly never had a proper icecream sandwich.

The gelato was so watery, the whole sandwich collapsed the moment I bit into the biscuit.  Then, it started dripping gelato water everywhere.  The whole thing just melted.

So disappointing.  I should just buy normal icecream sandwiches instead.  Like these I used to eat:

IF I can find them in Hong Kong.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

A Weirdo Borrowed My Books

During Chinese New Year I invited a few close friends to my home to have festive foods.  Somehow a not so close friend which lived around the neighborhood also came by.

This not so close friend has always been known to be weird.   I tend to forget negative things about people very easily (unless they keep doing them to remind me) so yesterday I thought perhaps this person wasn't that bad afterall.  Well, he is.  Read on.

So at my Chinese New Year "party", this person walked around my flat checking out my pictures, notes on the fridge (very inappropriate) and my collection of books and dvds.  He ended up borrowing 2 books. I told him I hadn't had time to finish them yet but they were supposed to be good books.

Yesterday this person told me he had been enjoying the books very much, AND, he had been making notes on the pages, marking some sentences with highlighter and underlining.  What the hell?  Isn't it basic social etiquette NOT to do that?  He actually thought it was funny to do that.  I was speechless.  Last night I decided to send him a message and remind him not to mess with my other book, The Art of Travel, as it was supposed to be a good book and I would want to enjoy it without someone else's notes.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

My Mom

My mom recently had problems with her spine, not being able to get out of bed for a few days.  She went to do an MRI, and found that she also had gallstones.

I'm so worried and don't know what I can do. 

My only doctor friend is on vacation so I can't get her advice until late next week.

I don't know what I'd do if anything happens to her.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Compassionate Flowers

Today I received an email from a friend/ supplier based in Thailand, explaining that he had sent me the flowers because he thought I'd probably feel horrible to spend my Valentine's Day alone just after my breakup, and hope flowers would somehow made me feel a bit better.

I was so surprised and touched by this friend I'd known for 5 years whom I had never thought to be so caring.  I mean, as a supplier he never even bought me - a client friend - dinners or drinks.  So to have worried about me so much that he got me a bouquet online was something I had never expected.

On the one hand I was so touched I didn't know he was such a genuine friend.  On the other hand, I felt so sad that someone normally so "frugal" bought me flowers because he knew how crap I must have been feeling.  I remember a few weeks ago he msn-ed me about a project we were working on - at first I didn't even want to bother replying as I was feeling crap and thought he was just bored and bugging me about useless stuff or complaining to me about the project.  Afterwards he asked how Kevin was doing - and I said,"he's gone.  You know, gone.  Moved out.  He moved out last Friday while I was in Morocco.  Yeah, just like that."  I only said that, and didn't want to continue talking about it.

For weeks I've been trying to dismiss the brutality of the breakup itself, so I wouldn't feel too much like a victim.  When I knew that my friend in Thailand who wasn't even my closest friend in the world, who wasn't even normally a sweet person (he's a great person but from what I know he doesn't really care about these festive, lovey dovey days), who wouldn't normally waste money on useless things, bought me a bouquet online, I started crying, realizing how horrible the breakup actually was, and how crap everybody could imagine it was for me to bear.  Those were compassionate flowers, you see.  I really can't pretend it was just another breakup and "well..yeah... he moved out".  I mean, he left just like that.  No word from him since.  Nothing.  Yes I know it is hard for him to bear too, and he felt better not having any ties with me anymore.  But what about me?  I have no choice, no say in this at all.

Anyways, I really don't know what I'd do without all these friends and my brother to care for me.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Funny Yoga Video on Youtube - Wheel Pose Variations

Yesterday I attended another "Shaolin Yoga" (Power 2) class.  This time I went to Wendy's class.  The students were even more hardcore than the first class I had attended, with most of the students able to do freestanding headstand.  I was the laziest student there, procrastinating a lot, holding most postures at least 2 breaths less than what the teacher instructed.

Among a number of interesting postures taught, we were instructed to flip back up on our knees after Wheel pose.  I had absolutely no idea how to do it so I just watched like an idiot.  Years ago when I first started doing yoga and researching on the net, there was no youtube so I could only search for forums and pictures, trying to piece together how to get into and out of poses.  Well, just now I decided to search on youtube, and while I did not find the exact variation I was after, I found the following which cracked me up!

- how there is this strap/ branch right in front of the video recorder the whole time
- the butterfly flying around
- how "alternative" the lady is, how long she waited and smiled before starting her demonstration... not sure when the recording started

The Whole World Says...

I find it so painful to move on when everyone around me, including my closest friends, tells me how great they thought we were together and how they felt happy for us. 

The locksmith kept asking me about him, and finally when I told him we parted, he still thought Kev would come back because we were so sweet together all the time, taking strolls around the valley, caring for each other, waiting for each other at home, going to his lacrosse matches..

I went to Stefanel to walk around with Stephanie, and the shopgirl casually said to me,"it's great you are back to celebrate Valentine's day.  When are you getting married?"  I thought to myself,"diu..."

My closest friends all loved him, and thought we were so happy and compatible together.

I haven't told other non-close friends on fb about the breakup, and I am so scared to, because they will start telling me how insanely happy we looked in our numerous pictures together on fb.

It hurts so much when the whole world thinks we were happy, and I also thought I was happy... yet today I am alone, trying to find a way to cope with being alone, finding a new dragonboat team, skipping dinners because I don't want to go back to the same restaurants and be asked about him.

I'd rather that I had a bad relationship everybody disapproves of.

Guess the mystery sender

Finally, today I had a good laugh.  Without getting too much into details, Friday I received a "care package" at work, with a note:
if you really want to know :-)
I might tell you next week ;-)
No signature no nothing.

I have been worried all weekend who could've sent it because I really have not met any men in the past 2 years or reunited with anyone recently.  All I could think of was potential freaks at work, like my stalker from 8 years ago, or some young kid from another department young enough to be my baby brother, or the security guard.....  I even considered the possibility of some close friends sending me the package just to cheer me up, but I have already met up with my close friends during the holiday and they would have told me already. 

I just pray that whoever it was, it wouldn't cause me embarrassment to explain to him/her:
"Sorry I am not attracted to women"
"Sorry but I don't want to be your elder sister"
"Sorry but I told you 8 years ago you freaked me out, and you still do"
"Sorry but my company doesn't allow me to date someone from security.  Conflict of interest, you see..."

Shit, I just realized it could easily be the bagel guy.... OMG!  OMG!  Shit, that would explain a lot...

I'm feeling very sick now... and I pray it's not him cos that would mean I would have to stop ordering breakfast everyday and starve from now on.


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

It's a documentary.

I started this new blog a few months ago because I wanted a fresh start - to forget the ugly past and stop writing all about myself and start writing about things that are somewhat more superficial.  My previous blog was a very emotional one.

I realize that my current blog has become very emotional as well, due to my current state of mind.  I debated whether to stop writing about my feelings and thoughts as raw as they felt to me, because it seemed so negative and dark, dragging people down on, say, a New Year's day!  Yet, this blog is about my life and travel documentary, and life IS inevitably miserable every now and then - but most importantly life also could be filled with happy, exciting, glorious, fulfilling, meaningful, touching moments depending on how you live it!

If anything, my friends, I hope you don't get too sad to witness how life can treat a "wonderful" person like this.  It's not all bad.  This is only a documentary of how bad it could get, and how GOOD it could be when the right time comes.  You know how many surprises and strange encounters I have had in my life so far - they won't stop, believe it or not. 

Yes, I feel very 難過 now, not because I can't live alone, but because I genuinely loved the life I had with him.  Almost every moment was filled with such joy which my Valley community, close friends witnessed.  Our facebook pictures were real, the huge smiles were real.  I still cry once or twice everyday - umm yeah the tears came out the right way finally - remembering how much fun we had together.  As much as they haunt me, I cannot imagine asking Fred my hypnotist to remove them from my memory - because that would make me more miserable not having such joyful memories of my life!  I am still trying to find a way to come to terms with these memories, how they can co-exist with my current life without dragging me down.

Of course I know we also had our share of relationship issues.  I just didn't think they were so serious that they couldn't be resolved.  Life is full of challenges anyways.  It's how you approach those challenges which makes a difference.  I spent most of my life avoiding them, never giving relationships a second chance until I turned 30 when some wise lady told me I needed to tell my partners what I wanted (to save them the guesswork) and to compromise on things.  Before then, I never felt I should try to work things out because I didn't think I should change myself.  I didn't realize I wasn't perfect and some of those changes actually would make me a better person.  I didn't know opportunties would slip away and might never knock on my door again.

So, life is not always a rosy picture.  And I feel that I shouldn't hide my true feelings to paint a rosy picture and have a purely "happy" blog  to encourage the wrong thinking that life can be all perfect.  We all go through difficult phases and we shouldn't be ashamed to fall.  Most important is to keep standing back up and keep walking.  I might be feeling crap a lot of times, but I won't lose sight of the beautiful things that happen at the same time, and opportunities that will come my way because I deserve them!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Up in the Air

I think I wrote about this a few years ago.

When I was in college, a fortune teller said that I would move from home to home, always on the road, without a real home, because in one of my past lives I was a normad.  I was only about 21, and thought that was really cool.  Being able to travel and see the world was my dream for many years.

A week ago I had drinks with a bunch of people not in my immediate circle.  One guy (30 years old) told us how much more he was enjoying traveling for business, flying business class to places (he had just been promoted), living by himself, and traveling alone as he became older.  Another girl and I both told him that was because it was new found freedom to him, but to us we had been exploring life alone for years already and it ceased to be special anymore.

Indeed I started living by myself soon after I turned 17.  I couldn't even fry an egg or cook instant noodles at that time.  Every 6 months to 1 year I moved homes during my stay in Toronto.  I went to Canada with only 2 suitcases, and each time I moved I had more stuff.  The longest I stayed anywhere was my parents home in South Horizons, where I lived with them for 4 years because I didn't have enough money to move out.  About 4 years ago I started living by myself again.  This is my third home since - which I am leaving in another month.

My first time flying alone was when I was 16, moving to Toronto.  My first time traveling on vacation alone was about 7 years ago to Bangkok and Phuket - I wanted a break between two jobs and decided to go alone.  I bought my first digital camera, a Canon IXUS, for the trip.  My first business trip was 5 years ago to Thailand.  I lost count how many business trips I have gone on since.  My last one was to Morocco.

Today, I am living alone again, having a nice long break from business trips.  I'm glad to be home finally, though home doesn't seem home anymore since he moved out.  It used to be our home.  After all these years, I finally yearn for companionship, stability and love.  Independence is a survival skill I mastered very well since a young age, but it's not my passion or life pursuit.  I watched Up in the Air with friends the other day and I could relate to the story very much.  George Clooney's character takes pride in the mileage points he accumulated, his elite status in different travel-related member programs, his familiarity with the air travel environment and process, because he is lonely and has no one to keep him grounded and give him life purpose.  He meets a fresh graduate colleague at work who has a very idealistic, simplistic view of life - which seems naive to him at first but later inspires him to find his anchor in life.  I've sort of also reached that stage too where I feel I have already spent enough time alone exploring, fully taking advantage of my freedom to be spontaneous and irresponsible at times - and I cannot explain how much I now want to stand still with someone and live a simple life.  People love my stories about traveling alone to some exotic places to take pictures, and the strange encounters I had during my travel because it is not the sort of thing they dare to do alone.  I used to enjoy it and feel proud to talk about my travel stories, but not anymore.  In the movie, towards the end, when George Clooney is asked to continue his business travels again, as if it was a privilege, he finally resents it.  Believe it or not, I feel the same now.  I traveled to 5 cities in Jan, went on 11 flights (6 of which long haul) to 3 continents, and visited my dream destination (Morocco) - only to come back to a half empty home in Hong Kong, losing a relationship and my happiest memories.  Sometimes it does take a trauma like this to realize what is important to you in life.

I treasure my years of freedom, independence and spontaneity.  They taught me a lot about myself and what I was capable of.  Now, at 33, I don't need to prove anything to anyone anymore.  I want a life companion.  Because, life really is so much more enjoyable when you have someone special to share with.  Your best memories are those when you were sharing a great experience with someone important, not when you were alone.

Go watch the movie, and treasure the special someone you have beside you.

Beauty rituals

With life very slowly getting back to normal, and more spare time available, I have started some of my beauty rituals again.  失戀也可以失得漂亮些...

1. Sugar scrub - Buy some inexpensive brown sugar (ideally fine sugar, and as natural as possible) and use as a mild scrub on face and body.  Do this in the shower to help the sugar melt faster after scrubbing, and leave on for 5 to 10 minutes (after melted) before rinsing off.  Helps to polish the skin by remove dead skin, and to bring back a glow to the skin.  Do this once or twice a week.

2. Yogurt mask - I still swear by this mask to bring extra glow and moisture to dry/ dull skin.  Particularly effective on sun-exposed skin, this natural remedy is very common in Indian culture.  Just use about one teaspoon of unsweetened plain yogurt and apply to entire face like a mask.  Wait until it dries (about 10 minutes) before rinsing off.  In Hong Kong, I prefer to use Natural Valley brand instead of Dairy Farm.

3. Kohl powder as eyeliner - in Arabic culture Kohl powder is often used as eye liner and to improve vision.  I got a bottle from Morocco and fell in love with it.  The ultra black shade really defines the eyes, while the powder texture gives it a soft effect.  It's lovely.  If you are worried about potential lead content in Kohl powder, you could try Guerlain's Terracotta Loose Powder Kohl Liner.  Comes in a beautiful moorish bottle, and the effect is supposed to be similar to authentic Kohl.  I haven't tried it yet but will check it out myself soon.
So much for now.  Will update more as I discover new beauty secrets.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Slide Film - Marrakech

Only shot one roll of slide film in Marrakech because the city was overall very pink/ peachy colored, so I figured a lot of pictures would end up looking quite similar, without too much color contrasts.

When you look at these pictures you'll understand where my silly drawing from the other day got the unusual colors, arches and mood from. Marrakech is indeed a city in Arabic tales.

Enjoy -

Home Search Continues

Went to see the flat this morning.  I tried so hard to love the flat but I didn't.
Bedroom was a bit small - despite a nice walk-in closet...
Kitchen was tiny with no room for microwave and electric kettle and mini oven and dish rack...
Living room was alright but no space for my long "display" table and my bookshelf...
So I gave it up.

Edwinna knew I was disappointed and perhaps she felt bad for me she asked whether I wanted to have a quick bite together.  I was feeling drained and declined.

I don't want to move. 

Thursday, February 11, 2010


Today I went to look at a few flats, as I need to move out of my current beloved home, which I would love to keep if only I could afford it.

My agent has been helping me with flat hunting since 6 years ago.  When she saw me, she immediately commented on my weight loss...  She knew I was no longer looking for flats with Kev since we had originally asked her to help.  Well, I just smiled. 

I looked at the flat on the 8th floor of my building, but the condition was too bad, and shower area too small.  Since it was 4 floors below mine, it was surrounded by other buildings...not much view of the sky.  A friend of mine was also flat hunting, though with bigger budget since he just got promoted with a huge pay raise.  At 18.5k per month, the landlord was willing to change to huge windows, bigger bathroom and kitchen and repaint the entire place.  I can't afford that, and also want a better view.

I went to look at 2 other flats.  One was not too small, but a bit old and the bathroom had these ugly pink tiles which I wasn't crazy about.  The landlord would repaint the flat, but I would need to pay for the bathroom's renovation which could be some 30k - makes no sense considering I am only renting.

The other one was actually very modern and charming.  There were only 2 flats on one floor, and the neighbour seemed to be a Western(ized) guy who played soccer (he put his soccer stuff on the staircase to dry).  The garbage can outside the flat was also made of rattan - looked more like a laundry basket than garbage can.  Good taste.  Anyways, the flat itself wasn't big at all, potentially could fit "our" (actually his) sofa and our dining table.  I might have a spot for the bookcase, but not sure where to put my other long table and the coffee tables.  The bedroom was tiny, but it had a huge bay window.  Great if I could sit quietly to read - but these days "quiet" is not good for me as I would start smoking which is extremely bad, I know.  The biggest plus of the flat was the carpeted walk-in closet with shelves and drawers installed, so I wouldn't have to move my wardrobe.

I will need to have another look at it again to see if I wouldn't be too claustrophobic in that flat.

This flat hunting experience is killing me.  I really wish I could stay in my current home.  I am tired of moving from place to place as I did in the past 16 years.  Last time I moved - a year ago - I really thought I was done living my life alone.  I really worked hard building a home with him, and we did a fine job.  I want nothing - nothing - but a warm home, a happy stable family.  I really want nothing but that.  I don't want to fight, I don't want to prove anything, I just want to finally find peace and security.  Perhaps this is the turning point for all pretty girls who end up marrying an ordinary man whom they don't love but who can provide them with stability, love and a home.
Special thanks to my very dear friend Stephen who has helped me with every single one of my flat moves, and quietly supporting me through my breakup in his unique ways: copying House and movie files to keep me occupied, helping me check out flats, setup my TV/ media box (new)...

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Marrakech Harry Potter

Only a few people know about my silly drawings.  Here's something I drew at 3am because I came home from work very late and couldn't sleep.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Huge Work Disappointment

I ended my work week badly on Friday, with bad news from my biggest client - potentially the study would be cancelled or significantly scaled down because of cost control pressure from their headquarters.  The client's share price has dropped by 10% in just 3 days last week.

It was a real blow to me.  I had worked very hard to win this enormous study back in Dec. 

Today because I was busy preparing alternative quotations to client, I missed an internal meeting.  My "new" boss, for whatever reason, announced the news to other seniors of the department.  My work "partner" immediately asked him about the implications on his team and my team, and allocation of accounts, as if I had already lost the entire project.  Then 10 minutes ago (it's 9ish and I'm still in office preparing quotation), another colleague dropped by and said she was sorry about my project.  I was so upset even though I knew she wanted to show her concern, and she said my "new" boss had asked her to check with her friend in my client's company what had happened.  What the hell is going on?  I haven't lost the project yet, and already my boss is making it sound like I have.  And what contact could my colleague have at my client's company, who's more senior than the global contact that I have??

I complained to my "old" boss, and told him I wasn't happy about such internal marketing.  He understood, and I'm sure he felt just as crap.

I feel so upset that there's been so much internal marketing of this before anything was even finalized.  It's causing so much gossip, rumours, speculation already.  And it's making me feel even crappier than the incident itself.

If only there was someone I could cry to.


Was cleaning the house, putting away pictures, when I found a letter from Nov 2008 and some more old pictures.

I was staring at the pictures, how beautiful we were together, how happy, and how content he was.  I sometimes look at the picture of us taken the night we met, and I miss that guy so much.  I really miss that guy who was so confident in himself and in the relationship, he was grateful for everything that he had, and found such meaning in everyday life.  He was a very simple person, no bitterness or grudges, and I loved him for being just that.

I looked at his picture again, with Lost season premiere playing in the background, and I wonder where that "him" had gone.  I really felt like crying, but once again I found that I couldn't.  There was no more tears coming down my face and I didn't know why.  But my throat felt cold like I had tears flowing backwards and down my throat.

I hope one day he finds himself like that again.  It was a really awesome guy I fell in love with, and even my friends still remember him as a cheerful, funny, positive person - who co-hosted my Chinese New Year house party 2 years ago.  I don't regret spending those 2 years together, no matter how horrible the ending was, because I chose to be with someone I was very proud of and deserved my love.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Yoga - Power 2

So yesterday I ended up missing my regular class at Pure Yoga because of my hair appointment.  I was so disappointed and desperate I called back the studio to check if there was any other Power 1 or Hatha 1 class with available spots yesterday.  Turned out there was only Power 2 (advanced class) left - I hadn't been to a Power 2 class in 3 years even though years ago I used to attend Power 2 only.  So out of desperation, I signed up for the Power 2.

Getting ready in the studio was already intimating enough - the students walked into the studio all looking like some Mainland Chinese Shaolin / Kung Fu students (or wannabes - still scary enough).  Most were Chinese - surprisingly - with the exception of a few Caucasians.  Those Shaolin students all looked so serious, and during class they really gave it 200%.  The only other class of similar intimation level (well, slightly higher) was Wild Lotus class at Pure Yoga - a class most of the instructors attended - but that was a totally different league.

The class was great - did not repeat the same routine in Hatha 1 or Power 1.... Not the typical Sun Salutation warmup, and this class was also much longer 90 mins - to me the right length of class I was used to.  I realy needed to pay a lot of attention in class as the flow, variations of asanas (poses) were very "freestyle" to me - so I had to figure out which hand to be placed where, torso to lean forward or tilt backward toward one leg or center......  It was very interesting to challenge myself.  Surprisingly my body isn't aching too bad today despite stopping my practice for 3 weeks during my trips, only my abs, back and waist feeling a little tight like an old lady :)

I really enjoy yoga and I plan to write about different yoga poses every now and then.  Here's the drawing of one of my favourite poses:


Two friends tried to persuade me to start going to church, for various reasons, including understanding God's arrangement. I'm not sure if I am ready for that path yet, since I do believe in God, I do "talk" to Him, only that I stopped asking questions.  I rarely asked God or the angels or anything like that what was the meaning of the breakup.  I've learned to accept and stop dwelling on it.  But yesterday, I did, out of anger.  I basically demanded an answer, and I do not recall being so angry about anything for a very very long time.

Yesterday morning I had my hair appointment at my usual salon.  I was supposed to leave before 1:30pm the latest, as I had a yoga class to attend.  I had really made it a point to my stylist - and because of some various reasons she ended up finishing an hour late.  And because she finished late, the most unexpected thing happened.  I saw in my mirror the reflection of my ex walking by in the blue hair salon robe.  My stylist also confirmed that her husband was cutting hair for my ex.  I was speechless.

It was unexpected because I had been persuading him for 2 years to go there instead of the other salons which had given him normally rather bad cuts, but he had never listened.  Why the hell did he go to my salon finally after we broke up?  If he had never trusted my recommendation, why did he trust it now?  And most importantly, since he has been avoiding me like plague, of all places why did he choose to go to "my" salon? 

We were like complete strangers.  I didn't want to walk over and say hello, not wanting to provoke him and make a fool of myself if he ignored me.

Strangely, the whole day I was very disturbed by this "meet up", not out of pain and sadness, but anger.  I couldn't really understand the anger boiling in me, I just knew that I wanted so hard to cry but I couldn't, there was no tears.  I tried to cry it out while in the yoga studio waiting for class to start, but I couldn't.  I was angry.

I don't know if I was angry about him going to "my territory" as if he was challenging me, or if I was angry simply at the whole "arrangement" by the higher beings.  I wasn't supposed to be there after 1:30pm.  Why was I?  It was as though something/ someone intentionally arranged it.  Why?  Why!

If he chose to vanish from my world completely like a dead* person, then STAY DEAD.  Why come back to life to haunt me?  Why?

For a week I was moving on well, finding peace within myself, accepting things as they happened and not angry at anyone.  In fact, I was never angry at him in the past 2 years.  Yes I felt hurt or upset sometimes about things like any normal person would, but I was never angry at him.  I loved him so much and truly felt blessed to have him as my boyfriend.  I smiled when I was far far away in some remote country reading his sweet SMS messages.

I don't understand this anger and I don't want it.  I have to find a way to lose it.

*Don't take this literally.  Of course I would never want him dead.  He chose to act like he was dead in my world.  I always hoped we could remain very close friends because I truly enjoyed his company.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Lucky Money 橫財

I never had much "lucky money" before in my life, overall I was never a super lucky person.  Today was a breakthrough - I learned that I got $12000 to $18000 from my company for NOT flying business class to those remote countries like Austria, Argentina, Morocco!  My department secretary said,"it's not easy money though, you earned it by sacrificing your health!"  Indeed it was "hard labour" money.  I flew some 15 hours to Vienna; 30 hours to Argentina; 17 hours back to Hong Kong from Morocco!  That was a total of 11 flights in 3 weeks. 

Talking about lucky money, on my flight back to Hong Kong I was sitting next to this Mainland Chinese guy who had been working in Brazil for 1 year.  He told me that he and his (Chinese) colleagues were guaranteed 10000 dollars by their company (I am not sure if he was referring to RMB or Reais.  If the latter, it is equivalent to some 40000 HKD!) each time they got mugged in Brazil.  10000 bucks!!  He said they were always very cooperative when they got robbed.  No wonder!

Lovers Cards

I had a very sweet boyfriend who once loved giving me very special cards all the time, to tell me how much he treasured me and was happy with me.  I was cleaning the house just now, putting away pictures and cards, and read the messages in a few of those numerous cards. 

It's strange reading those old messages or emails (I've been avoiding the emails like plague).  All those endearing nicknames, sweet and touching words telling you how he happy he was with you and how much he treasured you and how much he wanted many many more happy times with you...  You can't help but wonder what happened along the way?  Is it really possible to adore someone and feel so grateful to have that someone in your life not that long ago, and then change your mind?  It's a rhetorical question.  Of course I know it's more than possible.  It's just wildly strange and confusing  to me (no sarcasm intended). 

There's no point trying to understand what happened.  I've learned to just accept things as they come.  And accept that at least I have once made someone very happy and moved. 

There's too many things I don't understand in life, but the ONLY thing I need to understand is myself.

I Dig this Song - Muse - I Belong To You (+ Mon Ceur S'ouvre A Ta Voix)

Please listen to the whole song.  The arrangement is amazing.

When these pillars get pulled down,
It will be you who wears the crown,
And I'll owe everything to you

How much pain has quaked your soul?
How much love would make you whole?
You're my guiding lightning strike

I can't find the words to say,
They're overdue,
I've traveled half the world to say,
I belong to you

And she attacks me like a Leo,
When my heart is split like Rio,
And I assure you my debts are real

I can't find the words to say,
When I'm confused,
I travelled half the world to say,
You are my muse

Ah! réponds, réponds à ma tendresse,
Verse-moi, verse-moi l'ivresse,
Réponds à ma tendresse,
Réponds à ma tendresse,
Ah, verse-moi l'ivresse,

Verse-moi, verse-moi l'ivresse
Réponds à ma tendresse!
Réponds à ma tendresse!
Ah! verse-moi l'ivresse

I belong,
I belong,
To you alone

I can't find the words to say,
They're overdue,
I've traveled half the world to say,
I belong to you

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Genuine Friends

Was telling a friend how an ex's mom and brothers sometimes still write me - after so many years - or comment on my pictures on facebook, or drop me a message to say hi. My friend said,"they genuinely care about people whom they loved." 

That's very true.  They treat me as an individual separate from my ex, so even though we are no longer together, they still care about me as a friend.  They see me as who I am, not a part of someone - who "died" when the relationship ended.

This recent experience brought me closer to people who genuinely care about me.  I didn't intentionally victimize myself.  Just that given the circumstances of the painful breakup, my friends and brother knew how heartbreaking it was for me to bear.  They knew I wouldn't be able to cope on my own - not this time - and would need their help to get over it.  To those dear friends in Hong Kong, Toronto, Washington and Singapore who reached out to me - thank you for lifting me when I fell harder than ever.  Your support means the whole world to me.

In fact, my parents don't know about it yet.  I didn't tell my mom when I spoke to her last Sunday - I think I was on my way from airport to home so I didn't know what was about to happen.  My dad probably wouldn't know what to say.  My mom, who never forced me to do anything, would probably say,"oh, that's too bad.  Suen la, if it is not working now, better know now than after you get married..."

More on Hypnosis

My bro read my blog and became very interested in hypnosis.  Let me provide a bit more details.

No he didn't exactly make me forget anything I didn't want to remember.  If anything, he made me acknowledge certain thoughts and facts which I subconsciously was very uptight about and couldn't let go.  In fact, I just emailed Fred to ask him exactly what happened during the hypnosis and this is his explanation:

When you're in the hypnotic state you're in a state of deep concentration. You are in fact extremely focused and paying attention to the hypnotist's words while ignoring everything else going on around you. Throughout the hypnotic experience you are totally in control of yourself.  
It's at this point that the hypnotist introduces new, positive, life-affirming ideas to your subconsciousness. Those new ideas (as agreed upon in the pre-hypnosis interview) are absorbed by your subconscious mind and are acted upon,.. for example in your case, to release and to move quickly through the pain and sadness of your shock.

Before the session, I told him what had happened on Sunday morning that led to my traumatized state.  He then asked me how and what I was feeling.  I told him:  I feel a great deal of pain.  Part of the pain comes from feeling abandoned and that he just let go of our precious relationship like that; and part of the pain comes from knowing he is also suffering and feeling angry/ emotional/ confused and I can't help no matter how hard I try.

I believe the therapist, Fred, helped me let go of the latter part and a small portion of the former.

It's not easy, to let go of the former part, because it is a fact that he is no longer around and no longer willing to continue.  I can't change that no matter how hard I try to remind him of the happy/silly times and the majority of times when we were super compatible.  So I just have to stop trying and accept that he doesn't see things the same way, and he may never do again.  It takes time to let go of someone so important to me, but time will heal.

I won't learn to hate him because that wouldn't help me and there's no reason to hate him.  He has been a wonderful boyfriend otherwise, and the sweetest person I have dated.  Everybody could see that.  I had a great deal of happy times with him, and we supported each other through everything in the past 2 years.  We gave each other's everyday life meaning and purpose.  I can't pretend this never happened.  On Sunday, I did stupidly think about the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and wished I could go to the doctor and remove this entire part of the memory - 2 years of best and worst memories in my life.  Of course now I know I have to live with this past, but continue my life in the future without clinging onto it.

Food for Thought

It's literally food for thought.  It's past midnight and I just came home from office.  No I wasn't working, I just didn't want to come home without much to do at home, so I stayed in the office to upload my trip's pictures to facebook.

I have lost at least 5 pounds in the past 2 weeks, and my tightest pants are now loose.  :(  It's not that I don't want to eat, I don't know what to eat!  We used to cook, eat out, or buy takeouts together almost every night, so now I don't know what to eat alone.  I don't want to go to the usual places in Happy Valley as everybody would ask me where my boyfriend is.  We were like two peas in a pod, whenever the locksmith saw him he'd ask about me, and vice versa.

Anyways, I still need to eat.   Yes, while no longer traumatized, I do feel sad from time to time about him giving up on our sweet home and routine.  Yet, it's more the reason I need to love myself more to compensate for the loss!  I didn't know what to buy at Marketplace, so I just picked my favourites from 2 years ago:

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

A few thoughts

Today is one of those days I feel so drained I look forward to going straight to bed when I get home.  Forget dinner or washing my face.  In fact, it's been weeks since I did any night-time beauty routine.

The night we broke up was the same night my boss snapped at me after I had told him over the phone my assessment of the work situation.  He snapped at me because he didn't want to know the reality of things, and yet I had burst the bubble.  My ex saw me crying and feeling very hurt that my trusted boss refused to hear what he was afraid to know.

I don't know whether it was because of the proximity of this experience to my own relationship problem that led us to break up the same night. 

Perhaps I was particularly emotional and stressed that night, but I still think our problem needed to be addressed sooner or later anyways - it was a solvable problem but an important one.  Forgot who said this to me in the past few days:  Compatibility is not about being exactly the same and wanting exactly the same things at the same time, it's about being able to compromise and complement each other's personality, needs and interests.

Everyone in a relationship knows that there is no perfect relationship. Two people in a relationship need to acknowledge their differences and compromise on matters, so that the needs and interests of both are met.  There is an unspoken agreement to love and support each other, and to go through ups and downs together.  And when the above conditions are not met, there is no good reason to be together anymore.

Everybody kept telling me how happy and sweet we were.  How big a pity this was.  Yes it is a pity to me too, because I too see the glass half full (well, 90% full).  Yet in relationships, it's not about what one person sees, but whether they both see it the same way that makes or breaks the relationship.

I will remember this in the future.  I need to stop hoping that I can inspire others to see something as positive if they don't.  It's good to know when to back off.

Groceries from US - Americome

Yesterday when walking down Sing Woo Road, I decided to check out this US grocery shop with my friend.  It was called Americome (try to pronounce it, sounds so......).  I had noticed this shop a few months ago, but thought it was probably like these few other shops in Happy Valley which only had two little IKEA shelves of goods to sell in the store, or sold only mushrooms or something.  To my surprise, this little mart has a good selection of drinks (I found my favourite Arizona Green Tea with Ginseng and Honey in can and gallon bottle), cereal (I found my favourite honey oats), brownie mix, cookies, personal care products and even candies (Nerds, Certs, etc etc.).  In particular, if you are looking for certain American candies, this is the place to check out.  I found different flavors of Certs mints (Certs "mints" aren't really mints), but not the original assorted fruit flavor that I wanted since it was only sold in Canada but not US.

65A, Sing Woo Road,
Happy Valley, Hong Kong
Tel : (852) 2893-2626
Trading Hours: Monday to Sunday
10:30am - 9:00pm

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Self-Help Guide: Ways to Soothe a Broken Heart

I don't think there are ways to mend a broken heart.  You can never mend it because it will always have a crack, like a broken glass.  Yet, there has to be ways to soothe it and give it the attention that it needs.  So, here's my list of things to do to help the process:

- Talk to friends.  Talk to friends.  Talk to friends.  It's so important to know that you are not alone and abandoned in this world, and there's people who genuinely care about you.  Also, through talking to friends who do not have a personal stake in the relationship (who don't benefit from your breakup), you get a different perspective on the matter.
- Talk to a professional if you are very troubled and depressed - whether a shrink, a counselor, a hypnotherapist.  By talking to someone who has absolutely no involvement in your relationship ever, you have a totally unbiased and professional view of your situation, and you learn how to scientifically cope with your emotions and your loss.
- Spoil yourself a little to make yourself feel special.  In my case, I decided to stay in a super nice guesthouse in Morocco, I bought an expensive and delicate necklace, I treated myself to a Moroccan spa.
- Make an effort to look good.  Just because your mood sucks and your head feels like a complete mess doesn't mean you have to look like it.  Pluck your brows, trim your hair, line your eyes, color your lips, get a manicure, wear your favourite sweater...  (I didn't walk the talk today - I rushed to work without my watch, bracelet, earrings)
- Drink more fluids - especially warm water or warm herbal tea to calm yourself.
- Don't starve yourself.  You may not have much appetite, but you still need to eat a little and avoid starving yourself.  While you are broken hearted, your body becomes extra sensitive to discomfort (like a lump in your throat, trouble breathing, stuffy chest).  When you are hungry and you stay hungry, you feel even more sad and alone.
- My therapist told me not to give up my normal daily routine and exercise routine.  Exercise is good.  If you do yoga, keep doing it.  No matter how shit you feel and want to call in sick - don't.  Don't allow yourself to sink into deep depression and start to escape from a normal life.
- Don't be afraid to cry your eyes out, whether alone or in front of close friends.  Acknowledge that it is a painful process, but you are working on feeling better.
- Make plans with friends.  Don't stay home and think about what could've been.  Whatever happened happened, there's nothing you can do now to change it.  Don't try to force anything now.  Just let it be.  If there's any positive changes in the future, it will happen in the future.  Now, focus on the present, and allow your friends to care about you.  Not those who trash your ex or your relationship and tell you what to do - but those who genuinely care about you and encourage you to do whatever you want that would make you happy.
- Start bringing your life mission and focus back to yourself.  In seroius relationships, you were used to thinking for the greater benefit and happiness of the "team".  Now you are on your own feet whether willingly or forced, so re-learn how to live your own life and do things for yourself.  It's hard, but now you are an individual again, until you get into the next relationship.  Start asking yourself, what you like, what makes you happy.
- Don't be angry - whether at yourself or at your ex or anyone else.  Anger doesn't help with healing.  If anything, it makes the wound hurt more.  Accept what happened, and if you are in a position to turn things around, then try it.  If you aren't in a position to turn things around, then don't force it.  Be at peace with yourself, and acknowledge that people react to/ perceive matters differently.  Someone may have hurt you, but holding a grudge doesn't make you a happy person.
- Avoid listening to sad songs.  Yes you can relate to sad songs about heartbreak, anger, deceit, disappointment but that only encourages you to stay sad.  Don't be obsessed with misery.
- Do something different which you've always wanted to do.  Go to a new art gallery?  Go to a park?  Take a stroll somewhere you don't normally visit?  Being in a different environment could give you new inspiration and make you see beauty in life which you haven't noticed before.


Beautiful sky during dawn as I was flying from Paris to Hong Kong.  This was probably somewhere in China as it was only 1 hour away from Hong Kong.

Monday, February 1, 2010


Today I went for a hypnotherapy/ counseling session with Fred Stander to help alleviate my pain.  Fred is an experienced holistic therapist specializing in hypnosis and spiritual healing.  I have had 3 sessions with him in the past to deal with different issues, and each time I left the session feeling much better, knowing something more about myself, and gaining new realization and perspective.

I briefly told him what had happened to me yesterday morning (details I won't reveal out of respect for the other person involved), and he said,"I'm sorry to hear that.  You are traumatized."  I've always known when I was traumatized, feeling like a victim of a hit-and-run, yet no one ever looked at me and told me I was traumatized.  I wonder if I looked traumatized - if there is such a look.  Anyways, he warned me that this time would be more difficult than the past, because the nature of the relationship was so much more intense and serious, and the trauma so much more dramatic.  He told me to expect he could help alleviate 50% of the pain, and the rest I would still need to sort out myself.

Without going too deep into the background of the matter, he did an exercise with me to visualize whatever emotion I was feeling as an object, and asked me to "feel" it in my mind.  The next step was to agree to let go of it right then and there.  I had done this exercise with him before, so I was familiar with the process and how it really worked wonders.  But this time was different - after repeating the exercise a few times he did a full hypnosis on me.  He instructed me to relax each body part one by one, and gradually his voice became smaller and smaller until I felt like I was in such deep sleep except I could still hear him talking to me, then I came back to my senses when he asked me to come back to the present.  It was amazing, that was my first hypnosis.  I don't know how that worked, but somehow it helped me let go of that "physical" pain I was feeling as a result of my emotional pain.

We did another exercise afterwards, visualizing the scene where I had just arrived home from my trip yesterday.  I was to feel the emotions in that scene, pause it, see myself in that scene from a distance like a third person, see the scene turn into black and white, then blurry, then see it from a greater and greater distance like I was floating into the galaxy looking down at the blurry scene outside my home.  Then, turn it off.

We didn't spend too much time talking in this session, unlike in past sessions.  It was really to focus on fixing me, instead of trying to understand or fix the relationship.  Yet, it was very inspiring.  I accepted that it was beyond my ability to change things, that I needed to accept that we ceased to be on the same team and thus I had to move on as well without feeling overly painful for what he was going through at his end.  Ultimately, we started off as two individuals, two strangers, who came together and fell in love.  Now we are back to two individuals.

Fred remembers him as a sweet guy who was sincere about resolving issues with me.  I remember too.  And now, I need to stop projecting the past into the future.

He reminded me to keep talking to friends, keep a balanced diet, not to binge on carbs or sugar, drink plenty of water to flush out the toxins, keep my routine no matter how drained I felt and exercise.

I'm feeling half better.  As for the remaining half, I will need to count on myself.