Tuesday, February 16, 2010

It's a documentary.

I started this new blog a few months ago because I wanted a fresh start - to forget the ugly past and stop writing all about myself and start writing about things that are somewhat more superficial.  My previous blog was a very emotional one.

I realize that my current blog has become very emotional as well, due to my current state of mind.  I debated whether to stop writing about my feelings and thoughts as raw as they felt to me, because it seemed so negative and dark, dragging people down on, say, a New Year's day!  Yet, this blog is about my life and travel documentary, and life IS inevitably miserable every now and then - but most importantly life also could be filled with happy, exciting, glorious, fulfilling, meaningful, touching moments depending on how you live it!

If anything, my friends, I hope you don't get too sad to witness how life can treat a "wonderful" person like this.  It's not all bad.  This is only a documentary of how bad it could get, and how GOOD it could be when the right time comes.  You know how many surprises and strange encounters I have had in my life so far - they won't stop, believe it or not. 

Yes, I feel very 難過 now, not because I can't live alone, but because I genuinely loved the life I had with him.  Almost every moment was filled with such joy which my Valley community, close friends witnessed.  Our facebook pictures were real, the huge smiles were real.  I still cry once or twice everyday - umm yeah the tears came out the right way finally - remembering how much fun we had together.  As much as they haunt me, I cannot imagine asking Fred my hypnotist to remove them from my memory - because that would make me more miserable not having such joyful memories of my life!  I am still trying to find a way to come to terms with these memories, how they can co-exist with my current life without dragging me down.

Of course I know we also had our share of relationship issues.  I just didn't think they were so serious that they couldn't be resolved.  Life is full of challenges anyways.  It's how you approach those challenges which makes a difference.  I spent most of my life avoiding them, never giving relationships a second chance until I turned 30 when some wise lady told me I needed to tell my partners what I wanted (to save them the guesswork) and to compromise on things.  Before then, I never felt I should try to work things out because I didn't think I should change myself.  I didn't realize I wasn't perfect and some of those changes actually would make me a better person.  I didn't know opportunties would slip away and might never knock on my door again.

So, life is not always a rosy picture.  And I feel that I shouldn't hide my true feelings to paint a rosy picture and have a purely "happy" blog  to encourage the wrong thinking that life can be all perfect.  We all go through difficult phases and we shouldn't be ashamed to fall.  Most important is to keep standing back up and keep walking.  I might be feeling crap a lot of times, but I won't lose sight of the beautiful things that happen at the same time, and opportunities that will come my way because I deserve them!

No comments:

Post a Comment