Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Last Words

Each time I travel by plane, I think about (calmly) the possibility of death, and I try to talk to the person I care most about, just before the plane takes off, as if those are my last words.

Not being pessimistic at all, it is a fact that traveling alone does increase your chances of accidental death.  In fact, a few years ago I was on a plane to Vietnam when there was serious engine failure and even the air masks were dropped.  I thought I was going to die.

Because of that experience, I always wondered how I would be able to share my last words with people I had last words for.  Nobody would know as I never wrote them anywhere.  In fact, my friends are so spread apart they may not even know who I would want to notify should I die one day!

This got me thinking - why should anyone leave one's last words till the day one dies?  If something is so important one desperately needs to say to someone before life ends, why not say it sooner?  Perhaps some people don't know what's important to them until time is running out?  The time pressure makes them realize what is truly precious?  Or, maybe they never had the courage to say those words when they thought they still had a lifetime ahead of them to decide to say or not?

If I were to write out my last words, I would have many people to say to.  People from the past and the present.  Even people who may think I have forgotten about them.....(I'm only writing about the ones whom I don't think read my blog anymore or even know about my blog.)

For instance, I would want to tell my god brother, Alex H., that I valued our brother-sister friendship very much even though we drifted apart in the end because of various reasons.  I wanted to go to his wedding, but I was upset he had stopped reaching out after he had met his gf (now wife) who didn't like me.  In fact, he was THE person whom I once gave all my closest friends' contact info to, in case one day I should die he could then contact them for me.  I told him I didn't want any PowerPoint videos in my funeral.  Only beautiful white flowers.  Ideally white tulips.

I would want to thank Kevin for once taking such good care of me, and having such silly times and laughs with me.  I tried very very hard to love him, but I couldn't give more.  I was completely drained and so was he.  I wish we could have remained close friends.  And I wish his current girlfriend didn't look so much like a frog (sorry, but I'm dead, you can't hate me and I'm just telling the truth) and wasn't so bitchy to me and my female friend years ago.  Yes we had met years ago.

I would want to tell Stefan I had my life's craziest and most intoxicating memories with him.  The memories never stopped playing like a slideshow in my mind.  He might have thought of me as his selfish escape from reality, but I want to tell him that it WAS reality.  A reality he was too scared to believe was true.  I don't love him anymore, but I treasured the moments we shared.  They were special.

I would want my mom to know that I treasured all the love and support she has given me.  How she has respected my judgment and decisions since I was young, and how she has always been extremely proud of me.  I wish I were a better daughter with a bit more patience listening to her stories.  I thank her for teaching me to live my life with pride and grace.  I never told her I loved her but I do.

My long-time soul mate from Canada, Johnny.  I would want to thank him for the ups and downs we've been through and I wish him a very very happy and healthy life.  I missed the times we smoked and sang in the garage when it was snowing outside!

Rana from Sydney, whom I met through work.  I only saw her during my three work trips to Australia, but I had very deep conversations with her each time.  I wish that she'd never meet freaks again, and that she could one day fully pursue her passion in photography.

My recent ex and companion, B.  I would want to tell him that I wish he hadn't hurt my feelings so selfishly, so I could live my life believing in my fairytale of two people, best friends and companion, going through life's happiest and saddest moments together, supporting each other through thick and thin.  Regardless, I would thank him for making me realize how companionship meant more to me than I had ever thought.

My two Brazilian friends in China.  I would want them to know how much I enjoyed spending time with them, no matter in Hong Kong, Brazil or China. Not only were they fun to be with, it was very interesting to chat with them about topics I didn't normally talk about with other friends.  Especially Marianne, I really enjoyed her company and her friendship.  I hope to rejoin these two sweet souls in heaven someday.

My masseuse and friend, Ana.  She has become a friend of mine, caring so much about me and trying to console me during times of heartbreaks.  She is like my earth angel, she is super intuitive and gives me genuine advice that are truly words of wisdom.

Another earth angel, Tracy, who actually knew about my blog.  Each time I was in despair, she somehow miraculously appeared in my life and showed me paths to seek guidance.  She also gave me plenty of support along the way.  I would really want to thank her for that.  Some people we meet in life are indeed like angels sent from heaven.

Oh my friend, Dion, who may not read my blog much, I would want to thank him for introducing me to some cool music, books and movies.  He is another earth angel - I very occasionally got on MSN and would have a quick chat with him.  In those rare occasions, he sent me music which happened to perfectly speak my state of mind making me cry or smile.  (I will post one after finishing with this posting.)  I never really knew what he was seeking in life.  I'm not sure if he knows either.  Either way, I hope he finds what keeps his passion going, and what makes him inspired and happy.

Also, my friend, Soon Yen from Singapore whom I met when I did freelance many years ago.  I don't know how to describe our friendship, but I would want him to know that I really enjoyed the chats - however silly or not - with him over the years whether online or in Singapore.  He has been an endearing friend of mine past 8 years and chatting with him, however rarely, always made me giggle.  Thanks for being such a funny friend.

I must not forget my friend in Thailand, A. Gower.  He used to work with me then became a good friend.  He is quite a bit older than me and can be a strange Brit sometimes.  Regardless, I would really want to thank him for his friendship all these years, his crude sense of humor and surprising sweetness - I would never forget how he anonymously bought me flowers online for Valentine's Day, because he knew I had had a bad breakup and really wanted me to feel a little better on that day.

For the rest, my few close friends who do read my blog perhaps occasionally, I am too shy to tell you individually how much I value your friendship.  You know who you are, and I sincerely thank you for all support all these years.  Thanks for putting up with my bossiness, temper and tardiness.  Thanks for listening when I needed to vent.  Thanks for letting me cry my eyes out in front of you and tell you so descriptively how my heart was aching and breaking and falling apart.  Thanks for not rolling your eyes when I repetitively got my heart brutally stabbed like an idiot who never learnt.  Thanks for being there for me when my world was falling apart and I needed some anchor.  Thanks for feeling happy for me when I thought someone wonderful came into my life.  And most importantly, thanks for reminding me always and making me believe that like everyone else I deserve lasting happiness and that person will come along.  Thanks.

Since people above probably don't read my blog, if I do die accidentally, please help me pass on my last words to them through facebook or my phone.

Relax - I wrote this post with a peaceful mind.  I am not in any way going to end my life until God takes it away.

PS:  Please also refer to Last Words - More Last Words post.  

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