Sunday, March 28, 2010

Transience of Life

I am writing this with a heavy heart, because I am writing about something I don't want to understand.

By chance I crossed paths with a scientist/ scholar/ vedic astrologer who somehow read my character and my life like an open book. 

He told me April 2007 till now was a difficult period for me, when the universe wanted me to understand the transience of life - that nothing is permanent, and changes are inevitable.  Indeed  I was first introduced to this concept in April 2007, when Chico passed me an article on Transience from Namaste magazine the weekend before he left Hong Kong.  I was furious and stormed out of his apartment, finding him so insensitive lecturing me on change when he was the one making me go through it.  Since then, I went through more significant changes, Stefan coming into my life then dramatically leaving, Kevin coming into my life, showing me the joy of steadiness and stability, then leaving dramatically.

When the astrologer told me about the universe planning that stage of my life for me to learn about transience, my immediate thought was: why couldn't the universe courier me a book on transience instead of make me go through such hell, each time worse than before?

Right after my encounter with the astrologer, I ran into Kevin when I was buying flowers from a stall.  It was a very awkward, though "friendly", brief conversation.  He reminded me a lot of him when we just started dating.  Very simple, innocent, shy.  After he left, I turned around and cried.  After two years of sharing life together, we went back to square one.

I tried not to think too much about it, but I could tell from my smoking at home last night that something was bothering me.  A few hours ago I had dinner with Angie, and I finally cried when I told her about my confusion through the whole experience and what the astrologer had told me.

I understand, through such heartbreaks, that life is transient by nature.  But, how can I go through life not believing that anything could last?  The man told me that only love and compassion are permanent.  He told me when the time was right (a few years from now) I would find someone who could truly love and care about me, and truly understand the meaning of love.  So what I experienced in the past few years wasn't love?  What was it?

I am crying not because of Kevin or Stefan or anyone.  I am crying because I don't understand what to believe in, and it makes me scared.

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