Wednesday, March 10, 2010

中女告白 - My View

Just yesterday, my friend sent me a youtube link to the TV program aired last week on 星期二檔案 - 中女告白, about single women in their 30's and above, their attitude towards love and relationship now.
中女告白 part 1
中女告白 part 2
中女告白 part 3

Then I watched Erica Yuen's video comment on the program (Erica Yuen's Comment) , which I found somewhat judgmental, and felt the urge to voice my view.

While the women featured on the show all have some success in their career, they are single today not because they chose their career over love, but because something else went wrong.  Some were in relationships where the guy had a wife or another girlfriend, some had cheating boyfriends.....

The society tends to blame women for focusing too much on work, but I know so many women - myself included - who have good jobs but also put their boyfriends before everything.  Having a career does not automatically make us negligent girlfriends.

If anything, I do agree that women have evolved to become much more independent.  Take myself for example, I traveled alone to London, Vienna, Buenos Aires, Marrakech, Casablanca, Bangkok, Kuala Lumpur, Manila, Melbourne, Sydney, Dubai and Jakarta for work in the past 12 months.  I am capable of taking care of myself traveling all over the world, dealing with issues as they arise.  Is that a bad thing?  No.  Does that intimidate men?  Possibly, those who aren't as well-traveled.  What can I do - lie about my travel experience?

If I were to narrow down the reasons for "mismatch" among men and women in Hong Kong, I would say:
1. Women have been evolving to become more independent, while men never evolved to accept independent women.
Increasingly women have done better at work, rising to senior positions at a younger age, making more money than previous generations' females.  As a result, women have become more independent, more capable of looking after themselves, making decisions.

However, men have at best maintained their levels.  Yet, they have not evolved to accept more independent women.  They still seek women who are somewhat weaker, submissive and needy.  Men may claim that they admire a girl for having a mind of her own - but when it comes to hearing her opinions they feel threatened. 

Women's independence and capability threatens men's ego, self-esteem, confidence, and image.  Women's strength makes men feel weak.  I am no feminist at all - I am not saying that all women are strong and it's great to be strong or anything like that.  It's just a fact that many women have become quite tough, and this threatens men.

So strong women should really look for secure, confident, very self-assured men otherwise their relationships will always be doomed.

My own experience:  Everybody knows I am very independent and strong-minded.  I never grew up aspiring to be strong.  It just came naturally, having to survive given the circumstances and environment I was in.  In relationships, I was already silly, stupid with certain things at times (e.g. sports), accommodating, sometimes needy, sweet.  Still, nothing could hide the fact that I had my point of view, and I didn't let people walk over me.  Not that many men truly appreciate me for speaking my mind, even though they all said that was what they loved about me and found me special when they met me.

2. Women in their 30's have learned to appreciate what they have; Men are still exploring their options.
Most women do aspire to have a happy family.  That is an ultimate life goal for many women (including myself).  Women in their 30's are getting ready to settle down, and having experienced a number of failed relationships, they try their best to nurture a relationship.  They have learned to accept, accommodate, and not give up too easily.  They understand that love opportunities don't come by everyday.

Men on the other hand are often times still exploring in their 30's.  Some settle down, but most know that they have until their 40's to keep looking.  There is no rush to settle down except for those who are more stable, traditional and grounded.  Many men have not yet realized that relationships take effort and hard work, and have not yet learned to feel truly grateful for the love and care they received from someone special.

My own experience:  I never wanted to date younger men, but for some strange reasons (fate) I always ended up dating men born in year of the Horse (1978).  I have already done enough crazy things in my 20's, traveled to enough cities, devoted 30 years acting out of self-interest, and finally wanted to settle down and devote time to my own family and hopefully children.  Finally, I realized that my ultimate life goal was not to travel around the world, but to create a happy family.  Unfortunately, my partner and I broke up just 2 months ago.

I don't have an answer to how we 中女 can finally find the man to settle down with.  I do however agree with the women featured in the program, that if anything we can learn something from our failed relationships.  Perhaps we can be even more giving in a relationship, without calculating too much what we receive in return?  Perhaps we can overlook even more shortcomings of the guys, and appreciate their sweetness or companionship more?  Regardless, I think most importantly, with or without a guy, is to love ourselves and work on having a meaningful, fulfilling life the best way we can.  Keep our spirits up, and let ourselves shine.


  1. I havent read your comment & the show at the moment. But I got something I want to say, esp people were trying to add me in this whatever "I am 中女" group at Fecebook. Excuse me, I never deny I am not one, I am actually more than one, haha.....So, it's kinda stupid proclaiming I am one! Becoz I am a woman over 30's, close to 40. I am a woman for sure, and there's no need non-stop telling people "I AM A WOMAN", isnt it? :)

    Will read your comment in a sec. ^^

  2. Oh dear, I would never call myself 中女 or join "I am 中女" group!
    It's horrible enough people make up these names/ labels to mock women and make them feel less worthy.

  3. In btw, I usually like Erica's comment. But this one makes me feel she's sounding like an airhead!! I dont think 95% of career women wanting to look so "strong" "tough" etc, we are "trained to" - because men dont want weak women at work place. And women dont want weak women at work too! That's how the sophiscated world has become.

    I dont think the women being interviewed crabbed about men alot, they just said what they wanted - no longer so available. Seems they all still sound relative positive!

    I dont believe that women can only have either one - r/p or career as Erica said. People (men or women) can have both, depending how we balance it. Men can have career while expecting a loving wife & calm family, why couldnt women expect a secure man with assurance of himself? Of coz each has to do their part!

    I think the society has changed. I asked many male friends. No one wants their wives to stay home or just want to idle in r/p for "him only". Usually, I was "liked" by men coz I was independant (haha, but surely sometimes ironically this could be the reason why we broke up at the end). Not that men cant handle independant/tough women, they expect women to be BOTH independant & sweet AT THE SAME TIME.

    Honestly, HK men gave many ugle names to HK galz. Tell U what! They are just as like us hving PRINCE SYNDROME!!!! :)

    Sorry for bs too much, good to get it outta my chest!

  4. The Prince Syndrome as you mentioned is so true.