Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Spirit

Every few days, yet another old friend I hadn't been in touch with would write me or meet up with me (whether by chance or not) and ask about my lovely relationship.  So every few days, I would have to break the not-so-new news to someone again.  It kind of sucked having to do that over and over again for 2 months.  In the past few months, I have heard the word "shocking" more times than in my entire life so far.  Each time I'd give my customary smile, whether in person or " :) ", hoping to show I was alright, things weren't so bad...  Finally, it got to a point where I shook my head and said,"let's not talk about it.  Let's just stop talking about it.  I don't want to talk about it" when someone brought it up out of shock/ curiosity/ concern - and I really cannot recall who it was - and kept leading the conversation back to the topic.

While I've been making progress moving on in my daily life, learning to enjoy my own company and space, I find that I still cannot really move on spiritually.  You know how sometimes we tell people to keep their spirit up, not to let anyone break their spirit?  My spirit is so broken, I no longer believe in all the wonderful things I believed in before:
I do not believe in love, or
promises...
laughter and happiness...
fairytale...
foreverness...
future...
companionship...
togetherness...
connection...
kindness...
honesty...

My strong belief and insistence on all these made me who I was before.   Now, I feel like I have lost a big piece of me I don't know if I will ever find again.

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