Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My Bittersweet Journey

I haven't been updating my blog as often as before, partly because I haven't been using my laptop much these days (thanks to quick internet surfing on iPhone4), and partly because I have been going through some emotional ups and downs lately - not extreme lows, just occasional blues especially at the thought of Christmas and New Year's Eve.

I've been thinking a lot about the feeling of loneliness, friends drifting apart, love lost and forgotten, uncertainty about where life would be leading me, and so on and so forth.  Never in my life I felt so insecure about the present and the future.  I've always had faith in finding someone special to walk with me into the unknown future eventually, and that faith was reassuring.  Then January came.....whatever happened happened.... I still hope that person exists in my future, but it's merely a hope, or even a dream, instead of an expectation.  I never experienced true loneliness, as for years I had single friends to stick around as a support group for one another.  Then friends moved on, having their own family lives, or new exciting circles.  These days, even if I try to arrange some gatherings, I may not even have anyone turn up.

Though, thanks to my special friend who offered me company and even her guest bedroom should I need to crash her place during these festive days as a third wheel.  It was very touching for her to offer that.  I truly appreciate that.  Thanks for truly caring, and actually trying to help me feel better.

Work hasn't been too hectic, but not extremely rewarding either.  It used to be better when I had my mentor around for some support.  Now I turn to my peers (a few trusted ones) to moan - not advisable but there's no one else I can talk to about work.  So, yes, for a while I've been feeling pretty lonely at work.

Despite feeling lonely and all that, this year has been an amazing one for me to get out of my little shell to connect with people, share my thoughts and hear others' stories.  I've been actively meeting friends and trying to get to a selected few better and vice versa.  These aren't just random people who are weird and all that, but interesting, intelligent people I could have a good time with.  I don't remember myself being so open about meeting new friends before.  For many years my core group of friends had stayed the same - until they started drifting apart that is.  Perhaps this really is a transformation year for me, to reach out and connect with people outside of my own small circle, share with people my thoughts on happiness.  Each time I receive a new "like" for my "Things that make me happy" album from some acquaintance who hardly ever talks to me on facebook or in person, it still brings a smile to my face because I know I successfully touched one more person around me.  The personal project of mine to make it bigger is still on.  I am exploring possibility of turning it into an ebook, and expanding the scope of the exploration/ research of happiness.

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