Sunday, December 19, 2010

Dear Stefan

Dear Stefan,

This is a note which will never reach you because it will never be sent out.

I had a weird dream last night with you in it. I was in my favorite restaurant and there you were sitting right across from me at the same table. As stunned as me, you tried to get close to talk to me but I didn't say anything. Then the scene faded out. Next thing I knew, I was running back to the restaurant trying to look for you but you weren't there anymore. I wanted so bad to find you and talk to you - about what? I don't know. I just needed to find you badly.

I woke up feeling awful. Awful that my mind betrayed me and let you creep into my dream? Awful that you will always just stay in my dream? I don't know. I just felt awful most of the day. Occasionally I would still suddenly get a weird "hunch" and turn around to see if you might be there, after 3 years now, but I have stopped actively thinking about you for a while, which is a great accomplishment.

I seriously thought about going to the hypnotist and ask for all traces of memory of you be removed. But I didn't because I knew I'd regret for life.

I cannot explain why I wouldn't forgive someone for being mean or sneaky, but would so easily forgive you or K for breaking my heart. I cannot explain why I forgave your weakness which I so despised.

I don't know why I want to see you again but I do. And it's not like why I would want to meet with K again, because I deeply care about him but I can't say the same for you anymore. Perhaps that was why you left. Because we couldn't explain why we were drawn to each other. Perhaps it didn't seem real enough. Perhaps it didn't feel real enough because it wasn't ordinary enough.

1 comment:

  1. Yup, its disturbing for me too to have my ex (whom I so dislike) creeped into my dreams once in a while, it's just creepy to say the least. I am glad usually I just vaguely recalled the story (usually not very nice ones)