Last Words - More Last Words

I realized there's still a few more people I must say something to, further to my "Last Words" post:

Victor, my brother, in case you are reading this, don't worry I am not dying yet - at least not planning to!  Please take good care of mom and dad, should I die before you, and explain to them that I have lived a very eventful life and that was all I wanted.  I don't know what to say to Dad, but I guess you can tell Dad I enjoyed spending time with him when I was little, going hiking with him, playing those "hit the marble" kinda games, drinking his beer and whisky and whatever he was drinking.  Please thank him for raising us.  And you, bro, thanks for becoming my good friend as an adult.  We may not agree on things sometimes and we do fight, but we care a lot about each other and I know that.  Sincerely, I wish you the very very very best in life.  I wish you a very happy and fulfilling life.  I really mean it.

Janis in Singapore, I really enjoyed you and Pat's company a lot.  I really cherish our friendship - given we actually never worked in the same office in the same country, it was really amazing how we became good friends.  I wish we could live in the same country then I could really hang out with you more :)  I hope I get to see you both get married before I die!  

Be Brave, My Boy

If I ever have a child, the ultimate thing I shall pray for him/her would be braveness.

I wish for my child to be brave, so that he/she can go through anything in life without the fear of failure stopping him/her from trying.  Fear is normal, but don't fear for too long, my dear.  Run towards the obstacle at full speed!  Jump over it!  Destroy it!  Kick it aside!  I wish for my child to be brave enough to pick himself/herself up after crying, and keep walking.  He/she may not be very rich, very intelligent, blessed with all the best things in life - but if he/she is brave, he/she can get through anything. 

For now, I wish for my dog to be a brave little one. :)

If My Puppy Were My Son

My puppy has been running towards the door excitedly every time he heard the the sound of the outer gate, then disappointingly walking back when he realized it wasn't Benny coming home.

I am lucky I have a puppy not a human son. I would have needed to really explain to him otherwise. It would have been difficult.

Still, I have told my puppy a few times: silly boy, Goh Goh is not coming back home again, but it's okay cos Jeh Jeh (I) will always be here for you, Baby. Goh Goh has his own life to lead. We need to let him go. Let's not wait for him okay?

If my puppy were a human boy, I might say to him: Baby, Goh Goh is not coming back home again, he doesn't want all those responsibilities he had for me and for you, or a routine life of coming home to us everyday. It isn't what he wants and Goh Goh has done enough. Some people in our lives stay for a very long time, or at least reappear every now and then with the biggest hugs, others leave and never turn back. We never know who will stay and who will not, until the very end. But don't feel sad, Baby, because those who do stay are all that matter to us. Let's not feel sad over those who left, but feel happy for those who are, and will be in our lives. One thing for sure, I am your Jeh Jeh, your Mommy, and I will stay in your life till the very end.

My Friend's Sweetest Prayer - for Me!

My sweet friend told me she prayed for me.  It was a very adorable prayer too -

She prayed that my guardian angels would open my eyes to see the right guy, and cover my eyes when the wrong guy appears.

How sweet is that?!!!

I may not see the right guy tonight, but I know for sure I will go to bed feeling extremely blessed.  Thanks, my friend, for such sweet thoughts and encouragement.

Debt

In Chinese culture, there is a belief that parents owed their children in their past lives, and current life is repayment of such debt.  Hence parenthood is so tough - you can only focus on giving and not expect any returns.

I am not a believer or non-believer of reincarnation, but sometimes I feel that relationships can be like a repayment of debt as well.  Some friends have pondered why I had repeatedly met and nurtured guys who, after breakup, still remained very close friends with me but somehow still ended up disappearing from my life altogether.  They asked me why I had been so blind to date such ungrateful people.  In the guys' defense, and mine, I said that they were supposed to be good-natured people.  They had cared for me for a while.  Yet, I really had no idea how they could just disappear like that.  Cutting all strings and ties, like we had had no history together.

I rarely dwell on that anymore.  I just accept that I made a mistake about someone.  Disappointing mistake - yes - but perhaps I need to make so many mistakes about people before I make the right choice.

I have a new perspective on this today - I suggest that we try to think of bad relationships as a form of debt repayment from past lives or past relationships.  Yep.  Let's think of it as a debt repayment, not an investment.  The time, patience, perseverance, love, care, understanding, support.....everything was a repayment of whatever you owed the person in past life, or what you owed another person in current life (like how I had broken some other guys' hearts very very brutally).  If we think of it like that, we won't have to dwell on why the person is no longer in our lives.  The answer will be simple - we have finished paying back our debts so we are now set free.  We won't have to dwell on why they didn't treat us better.  The answer will again be simple - we were meant to repay our debts not to accumulate new debts!

I hope that now I am officially debt-free and when I do meet the next person who comes along, we will be on equal terms.

Taste of Life

Something made me doubt myself for a second today if I have become a bitter person.  I even needed to ask around to make sure.  (Thanks, my trusted friends, for reassuring me.)

No I am not a bitter person.  Despite the dark side of life and humanity I have seen, I am still full of hope and genuinely believe there is plenty of beauty and reasons for happiness in life.  How can you call that bitter?

Yet, am I all sweet?  I'd like myself to be ALL sweet, but realistically that could only happen if my entire life has been nothing but smooth sailing.  And only if I never quite understood life in its entirety. 

So what is the taste of life?  I would say, it's bittersweet.  It is not all sweet, but it is not all bitter either.  Without the bitterness, you may not appreciate the sweetness as much.  As a combination, it gives life a more complex flavor. 

Glass in the Park - Alex Turner

Another love song by Alex Turner.  Sweet and poetic - a boy quietly, secretly admiring a girl.

Paraselene woman, I'm your man on the moon
And like a grain of diamond dust, you float
And my devotion's outer crust cracks 

There's glass in the park
Darling, I can't help but keep making appointments
To sweep beneath the climbing frame

If the sun's in your eyes,
I'll tighten your blindfold, baby
Don't worry your foot won't get cut
Strut carelessly

And when you say that you need me tonight
I can't keep my feelings in disguise
The white parts of my eyeballs illuminate

And I'll wait for you
As if I'm waiting for a stone to stop
I've heard them talking
About how I'm gonna put you off

There's glass in the park
And now that I'm up off my knees
I've picked up the speed
To jump your palaces

And I shoot through the night
And suddenly all those once lost concoctions froth
And chase the day away

When you say that you need me tonight
I can't keep my feelings in disguise
The white part of my eyeballs illuminate

And I'll wait for you
As if I'm waiting for the stone to stop
I've heard them talking
About how I'm gonna put you off

You tell me, "how can I put you off when you're a matter of urgency?"
I've got a million things that I need to do, but they're all secondary
Make sure you're not followed
Meet me by the Death Balloon

Paraselene woman, I'm your man on the moon
And like a grain of diamond dust, you float
And my devotion's outer crust cracks

Prayer

Dear God,

Thank you for giving me a fulfilling year. I cannot believe that each year has been more exciting than the last. I never dared ask for this but I vaguely remember as a young adult it had been my dream to live an exciting life - which I did! It had always been my fear to end up with a boring ordinary life.

People always say to look for the signs God left for you, in order to find what has been planned for you. Thank you for letting me notice the signs and act accordingly. If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have joined a completely new dragonboat team, entered the "Amazing Race" competition, hosted a few parties at home, brought into my life a cheeky little dog, developed an eye for photography, reached out to new friends for advice and support, got to know plenty more people whether in neighborhood, at work or in other environments..... It felt great to surpass what I had thought were my limits and extend beyond my normal comfort zone.

Thanks for allowing me to finally forgive someone who had caused me plenty of misery at work years ago. Someone I had hated for many years since. It is a gift being able to forgive.

Thanks for giving me so much travel opportunities to see the world. Morocco, Argentina, Brazil, Vienna, France, Spain, Germany, India..... It was truly eye opening. Yet, at the same time, I thank you for letting me know that I had already seen a lot and I could really take a rest and try to find excitement in my country/ city of residence. The realization made me understand it was time for me to settle down and learn to enjoy stability.

I don't really want to thank you for the breakups, because as good lessons learned as they were, I really don't want more of those.  I really prefer not to learn more about the ungratefulness of men.  Have seen enough, and now I pray to you, God, to please bring a man into my life who will be genuinely grateful for all the kindness and love from me, and will reciprocate.  Someone who will have sufficient self-confidence to deal with me, and not feel inferior or challenged.  Someone who will love me for who I am, and will be keen to grow and experience life with me. 

I pray for happiness, feeling of security and certainty, and a clear vision of my path.

Amen.

End of 2011 main dragonboat season

Dragonboat season is finally over. We had 8 days of races in total in this short season and did really well overall.

Looking at the national tv clip of one of my races, I was very glad that I improved my technique and form this year. The coaches have also given me a lot of opportunities to paddle for the stronger team and I feel very grateful.

For a while I was wondering what to do off season, as our training will be much less serious and more social. Just now I decided to work on paddling on the opposite side so that I could be more flexible with placement next year.

I set a goal to improve my paddling this year and I am happy I achieved it. Looking forward to better performance next year.

失落自救備忘錄

失落自救備忘錄：
1. 多喝清水可保持精力，保充眼淚流失的水份。
2. 定時笑笑，不要苦口苦面。
3. 想哭便哭，哭乾眼淚便好好去睡。
4. 穿上漂亮衣服，打扮漂亮才上街。不要看似受害人。
5. 找可信的朋友傾訴，越多越好。越多重複把傷心事說出，越快接受事實，從shocked stage 走出來。
6. 要好好為自己編排節目，越多越好。私人時間可以有，但要預先安排要做的事項（看書、看dvd、打掃、等等）。避免發呆的機會，糊思亂想。
7. 要多想像自己要追求的是什麼，不要包括傷害自己的人。真正關心我們的人不會傷害我們。就算是一時之錯，要後悔的已經回來了。一走不回的就讓他們走吧。
8. 要好好提醒自己：再不快、再心痛的事也一定會過去。雨下得再大，還是會停，太陽總會出來。
9. 不要追索別人傷害自己的原因，不要追問自己十萬個為什麼。傷害人不需原因。不真正愛惜我們便沒考慮我們的感受吧。
10. 要好好照顧自己，也要記住將來也會遇到關心自己的人。

When I was 24.....

My conversation with my friend, Stephen, whom I have known for 10 years.  During our taxi ride to work -

Me: You know, 10 years ago I was only 24.  When we used to hang out a lot.  When YOU used to hang out.  What was I like?  Any difference from now?

Stephen: Hmmm, well you're certainly more decisive now than 10 years ago.  Grown up and all that.....

Me: Grown up in a good way?  

Stephen:  Yeah...

Me: So what was I like 10 years ago?

Stephen:  Well, I guess back then you were still exploring, trying to find out how your life would unfold.  You always wanted to try different things..... understand yourself.

Me: Isn't that typical of everyone when they were young?

Stephen: Hmmm no... some young girls just go to work, go home, do the same things.  You were eager to explore.....

Me: I remember I used to cry a lot, moaning to you and friends how others had something bad to me and hurt me.  I suppose as I grew up, I have learned to understand why people do certain things and accept it as part of life.....

Stephen:  Yeah, you were young and weren't very sure of yourself...

10 years - that's a very long time.  If Stephen is right about me being very keen to explore life and myself, I think I have done a fine job in the past 10 years.  I have stretched myself to experience different things, to be a better version of myself, to be with different people, to learn to accept different personalities, to learn to accept some sad truths about life.

10 years ago my friends around me were just as inexperienced in life, and equally exploring.  I can imagine a lot of the conversations were probably not very insightful - probably none of us had answers to the questions we had, so we ended up bouncing off each other's questions, moaning about our problems.  Now, our conversations on similar topics probably would lead to discussions of our viewpoints coming from real life experience.

Such awkward innocence, ignorance, is a symbol of youth.  Would I want that now?  No.  It would be an embarrassment.  Yet, the process of seeking answers to life from a stage of awkwardness, innocence and ignorance, to attaining understanding, acceptance and wisdom, is remarkable.  It is the beauty of life.  Transforming to a wiser, calmer, more sophisticated version of ourselves.  Hopefully.

小時候的倩兒

I had a picture of me when I was 2.5 years old.  Crying, face all flushed, scared, but running.  Running where?  Running around looking for Mom and Dad.

That was a classic picture of me.  :)  I am still that girl, scared but nonetheless trying to find the way.

If I haven't mentioned before - I have exceptional memory from my childhood.  That picture I mentioned, I was in Wanchai Gap Road Country Park.  I was playing in the playground then suddenly I realized my parents were missing.  I was so scared, I broke into tears and started running around in all directions looking for them.  I don't know who was the jerk hiding taking that picture of me when I was most helpless and scared!

那就是我人生的寫照吧?
邊哭著,邊抹著眼淚,邊走著
我從不是勇士,我極之害怕
所以常常哭.....
常常要面對害怕的事,
沒辦法,唯有邊哭邊面對
很久沒人在身後守護著,
讓我知道不是獨自面對,
跌下也不打緊
期待快點遇上那人,
讓我學習笑著面對

My dog is a little thief!!

The other day I took Curly out for a walk and bumped into the legendary "Ninja" dog trainer in Happy Valley.  I call him "Ninja" cos he is always dressed in all black, military style, and only appears at night after midnight in the Valley, training dogs.

It was my first time actually talking to him.  I mean, he IS a legendary figure and he always looks so serious which makes him sort of scary.  Regardless, I took the courage to ask him if the waiting list for his dog training class was indeed 3 months.  He smiled then asked me what problems I had with my dog.  We ended up chatting for quite a bit and he gave me some tips how to train Curly not to be so neurotic and to calm down on the street.

Just now I clicked into the blog of another dog trainer called Mack, and I thought of contacting him to ask about his training.  I knew for sure he'd ask me what problems my dog had.  I thought in my head:  well, Curly is actually not a bad dog, just a bit mischievous and 古靈精怪... If I must pinpoint his behavioural problems, well he is picky with his food, he likes to jump onto the sofa, he begs me to let him sleep on my bed, he is very distracted by people and other dogs during walks, he gets over-excited when we have visitors and.... oh yes, HE LOVES TO STEAL!

How embarrassing to say that: Yes, my dog steals!  If I accidentally leave anything within his reach, he sneaks up, grabs it and runs away!!  Even when I stare at him, order him to drop it, he would still chew chew chew and if I make any movement he runs away from me!  I have tried to walk away instead and ignore him, but he would still chew on the thing for a bit before he drops it and comes to me for attention.  Ugggghhhh  He has stolen my socks (many times), my underwear, my bag, my shirt, a $10 note, my towel, my stuffed toy TT, etc.

Let's see if the trainer can teach me how to deal with that! Ha!

A Dog. A Bone. And Long Term Sacrifices.

(Thank you, God.  For the enlightenment.)

My dog taught me something about life and humanity.

A dog, especially when young and untrained, sees only short term gratification.  You put a small bone in front of him.  He drools, follows the person carrying the bone and grabs it.  You put a small treat in front of him.  He drools, follows the person carrying the treat and grabs it.  There is no consideration of consequences.

He does not evaluate whether grabbing that bone or treat would cause him to lose sight of his owner, potentially forever.  He does not evaluate whether that bone or treat is more important than otherwise many years ahead of comfort and happiness with his owner who gives him shelter, food, love and many many more treats.  He does not question whether taking that bone or treat from someone would lead him to wander the streets or to be captured as a breeding dog.  He does not consider how traumatized his owner will be, having lost him.  He sees only the bone.  The treat.  Food.

I think this applies to humans too.  Sometimes we do lose sight of what is truly important in life.  We make long term sacrifices for short term gratification, only to regret in the future when it is too late.  We've all been through that.  We've all been a dog at least once in our lives.

Chocolate Guy

I arrived back in office noticing a small package on my desk.  I opened it and found two bars of Russian chocolate. Nice!

Yes I know who sent it to me, and I thanked him politely.

But you know what?  Life is very very mean to some people -

This person I met 9 years ago in yoga, he wrote me a letter back then asking me out for coffee.  Funny enough, he passed that letter to a guy who had a crush on me, so the guy threw away the letter and I didn't know about this until months later.  He came up to ask me if I had received it, and my face went totally blank.  "Huh?  What letter?"  He was very embarrassed after that.

We somehow crossed paths a few years later when his office happened to be in the same building as mine.  I think we only met up once for lunch.  I never had any interest in this friend.

Then by chance I introduced him to some friends of mine in China, so we met up in China when I went to visit my other friends.

A few months ago he came to Hong Kong briefly and I met up with him for dinner.  A very friendly dinner.  But before he got into the taxi, he gave me this very brief but weird stare.  As if he wanted to take another look at me.  I pretended I didn't notice.  Probably he didn't realize himself.

So back to what I was saying, life is very very mean to some people.  They can be the sweetest, nicest people, with decent jobs and all that, but some girls - like me - still put attraction, chemistry, love interest first.  And those girls - like me - would still happily accept the chocolate anyways. 

Hiding Tonight - Alex Turner (from film, Submarine)

My friend by chance sent me this beautiful song which perfectly speaks my current state of mind. 
Quietly, settling emotions into stillness.
Awaiting light, colors, music to fill the emptiness again.

Hiding Tonight - Alex Turner

Tomorrow I'll be quicker
I'll stare into the strobe light flicker
And afloat I'll stay
But I'm quite alright hiding today

Tomorrow I'll be faster
I'll catch what I've been chasing after
And have time to play
I'm quite alright hiding today

And I will play the coconut shy
And win a prize even if it's rigged
I won't know when to stop
And you can leave off my lid, and I won't even lose my fizz
I'll be the polkadots tie
I'll know the way back, if you know the way
But if you are, I'm quite alright, hiding today

Tomorrow I'll be stronger, running colourful
No longer just in black and white
And I'm quite alright hiding tonight

And I will have a game on the coconut shy
And win a prize even if it's rigged
I won't know when to stop
And you can leave off my lid, and i won't even lose my fizz
I'll be the polkadots tie

I'll probably swim through a few lagoons
I'll have a spring in my step
And I'll get there soon
To sing you a happy tune, tomorrow

And you better bring a change of clothes
So we can sail our laughing pianos along a beam of light
But I'm quite alright
Hiding tonight

Last Words

Each time I travel by plane, I think about (calmly) the possibility of death, and I try to talk to the person I care most about, just before the plane takes off, as if those are my last words.

Not being pessimistic at all, it is a fact that traveling alone does increase your chances of accidental death.  In fact, a few years ago I was on a plane to Vietnam when there was serious engine failure and even the air masks were dropped.  I thought I was going to die.

Because of that experience, I always wondered how I would be able to share my last words with people I had last words for.  Nobody would know as I never wrote them anywhere.  In fact, my friends are so spread apart they may not even know who I would want to notify should I die one day!

This got me thinking - why should anyone leave one's last words till the day one dies?  If something is so important one desperately needs to say to someone before life ends, why not say it sooner?  Perhaps some people don't know what's important to them until time is running out?  The time pressure makes them realize what is truly precious?  Or, maybe they never had the courage to say those words when they thought they still had a lifetime ahead of them to decide to say or not?

If I were to write out my last words, I would have many people to say to.  People from the past and the present.  Even people who may think I have forgotten about them.....(I'm only writing about the ones whom I don't think read my blog anymore or even know about my blog.)

For instance, I would want to tell my god brother, Alex H., that I valued our brother-sister friendship very much even though we drifted apart in the end because of various reasons.  I wanted to go to his wedding, but I was upset he had stopped reaching out after he had met his gf (now wife) who didn't like me.  In fact, he was THE person whom I once gave all my closest friends' contact info to, in case one day I should die he could then contact them for me.  I told him I didn't want any PowerPoint videos in my funeral.  Only beautiful white flowers.  Ideally white tulips.

I would want to thank Kevin for once taking such good care of me, and having such silly times and laughs with me.  I tried very very hard to love him, but I couldn't give more.  I was completely drained and so was he.  I wish we could have remained close friends.  And I wish his current girlfriend didn't look so much like a frog (sorry, but I'm dead, you can't hate me and I'm just telling the truth) and wasn't so bitchy to me and my female friend years ago.  Yes we had met years ago.

I would want to tell Stefan I had my life's craziest and most intoxicating memories with him.  The memories never stopped playing like a slideshow in my mind.  He might have thought of me as his selfish escape from reality, but I want to tell him that it WAS reality.  A reality he was too scared to believe was true.  I don't love him anymore, but I treasured the moments we shared.  They were special.

I would want my mom to know that I treasured all the love and support she has given me.  How she has respected my judgment and decisions since I was young, and how she has always been extremely proud of me.  I wish I were a better daughter with a bit more patience listening to her stories.  I thank her for teaching me to live my life with pride and grace.  I never told her I loved her but I do.

My long-time soul mate from Canada, Johnny.  I would want to thank him for the ups and downs we've been through and I wish him a very very happy and healthy life.  I missed the times we smoked and sang in the garage when it was snowing outside!

Rana from Sydney, whom I met through work.  I only saw her during my three work trips to Australia, but I had very deep conversations with her each time.  I wish that she'd never meet freaks again, and that she could one day fully pursue her passion in photography.

My recent ex and companion, B.  I would want to tell him that I wish he hadn't hurt my feelings so selfishly, so I could live my life believing in my fairytale of two people, best friends and companion, going through life's happiest and saddest moments together, supporting each other through thick and thin.  Regardless, I would thank him for making me realize how companionship meant more to me than I had ever thought.

My two Brazilian friends in China.  I would want them to know how much I enjoyed spending time with them, no matter in Hong Kong, Brazil or China. Not only were they fun to be with, it was very interesting to chat with them about topics I didn't normally talk about with other friends.  Especially Marianne, I really enjoyed her company and her friendship.  I hope to rejoin these two sweet souls in heaven someday.

My masseuse and friend, Ana.  She has become a friend of mine, caring so much about me and trying to console me during times of heartbreaks.  She is like my earth angel, she is super intuitive and gives me genuine advice that are truly words of wisdom.

Another earth angel, Tracy, who actually knew about my blog.  Each time I was in despair, she somehow miraculously appeared in my life and showed me paths to seek guidance.  She also gave me plenty of support along the way.  I would really want to thank her for that.  Some people we meet in life are indeed like angels sent from heaven.

Oh my friend, Dion, who may not read my blog much, I would want to thank him for introducing me to some cool music, books and movies.  He is another earth angel - I very occasionally got on MSN and would have a quick chat with him.  In those rare occasions, he sent me music which happened to perfectly speak my state of mind making me cry or smile.  (I will post one after finishing with this posting.)  I never really knew what he was seeking in life.  I'm not sure if he knows either.  Either way, I hope he finds what keeps his passion going, and what makes him inspired and happy.

Also, my friend, Soon Yen from Singapore whom I met when I did freelance many years ago.  I don't know how to describe our friendship, but I would want him to know that I really enjoyed the chats - however silly or not - with him over the years whether online or in Singapore.  He has been an endearing friend of mine past 8 years and chatting with him, however rarely, always made me giggle.  Thanks for being such a funny friend.

I must not forget my friend in Thailand, A. Gower.  He used to work with me then became a good friend.  He is quite a bit older than me and can be a strange Brit sometimes.  Regardless, I would really want to thank him for his friendship all these years, his crude sense of humor and surprising sweetness - I would never forget how he anonymously bought me flowers online for Valentine's Day, because he knew I had had a bad breakup and really wanted me to feel a little better on that day.

For the rest, my few close friends who do read my blog perhaps occasionally, I am too shy to tell you individually how much I value your friendship.  You know who you are, and I sincerely thank you for all support all these years.  Thanks for putting up with my bossiness, temper and tardiness.  Thanks for listening when I needed to vent.  Thanks for letting me cry my eyes out in front of you and tell you so descriptively how my heart was aching and breaking and falling apart.  Thanks for not rolling your eyes when I repetitively got my heart brutally stabbed like an idiot who never learnt.  Thanks for being there for me when my world was falling apart and I needed some anchor.  Thanks for feeling happy for me when I thought someone wonderful came into my life.  And most importantly, thanks for reminding me always and making me believe that like everyone else I deserve lasting happiness and that person will come along.  Thanks.

Since people above probably don't read my blog, if I do die accidentally, please help me pass on my last words to them through facebook or my phone.

Relax - I wrote this post with a peaceful mind.  I am not in any way going to end my life until God takes it away.

PS:  Please also refer to Last Words - More Last Words post.  

My search since 16.

A wise woman asked me to visualize what the final man I want in my life to be like.

I told her:
When I was 16, I had a vivid dream of opening a door to a room and finding the man of my life. His back was facing me so I couldn't see his face. But he was big built, had very strong arms and seemed very resolved and calm. Next image, he was standing close behind me.

The lady asked me why he was behind me.


I said:
Because he was watching my back, protecting me, making sure I was safe. And I did feel very safe and secure. This has always been the guy I was looking for. Since 16. Someone dependable, loving and eager to protect me.

沒心機

很累
很悶
很難過

不想起牀
不想吃飯
不想妝扮

每個動作都吃力無比

期待重拾精神、希望

Acceptance

I have been having a hard time accepting the fact that people can be cruel. I can be too, when I am going through selfish times, focusing on my self interest only.

Still, it's hard for me to accept. It's hard to accept that people change and they hurt others in the process. It's hard for me to accept I opened up so completely to someone who would turn his back on me and walk away without a word. So cruel.

I know this depressed state will go away, like flu, like jetlag. But the process is unbearable.

Hurt

Someone's been hurting my feelings, and it hurts knowing that I once fell in love and loved someone I thought would care more not to hurt me.

I don't know when I'll grow up and learn not to be so naive. Not to trust anyone without reservations. I hate myself so much for letting people take advantage of me and hurt me.

My Travel Must Haves

Given my frequent traveling and preference to only have hand-carry luggage, I need to prioritize what I must have on any trip, and what I can do without.

My Travel Must-Haves:
1. Small compact umbrella
2. Shades (to hide puffy eyes and chic-up!)
3. Photos of my pre-saved google maps (especially useful in unsafe areas, I could be super lost but instead of appearing like a lost tourist, I look more like a local expat checking my phone)
4. Cole Haan or Adidas ballerina flats with air cushion
5. Stomach medicine 黃蓮素
6. Compact universal adaptor
7. Muji liquid containers and clear vanity bag to store my beauty essentials
- shampoo, conditioner, leave-in conditioner, oil based makeup remover, Skinceuticals Phloretin (vitamin C essence), face lotion, contact lens solution, Murad lip balm
- comb, spare pair of new contact lenses
- a tiny plastic bottle of perfume in case I sit next to a smelly traveler
- brow pencil, Deja Vu waterproof no-smudge mascara, MAC eye pencil, eye lash curler, tweezers
8. Pashmina or large but light scarf (absolute must)
9. Pair of Havaianas to walk around hotel room, wear in shower if not very clean, walk around town casually
10. eBook on my iPhone
11. At least one dress suitable for a surprise date or fancy dinner
12. Clothes that don't crease easily and are as versatile as possible. Ideally of similar color tones to mix and match and go with same pair of dress shoes
13. Apart from my Cole Haan or Adidas flats in metallic or golden color, I bring max one pair of heels
14. My soft neck brace especially if flight is over 3 hours
15. iPhone and plug charger

These are what I can't travel without. I think I am generally quite low maintenance - but hey, if you are traveling for business, you really need to go for efficiency and mobility over having your entire home in your suitcase.

My 5 Year Plan (Wishlist) Back in 2007!

I was searching my previous blog for an entry on fantasyland, and by chance came across this entry I wrote on 5-year plan, back in 2007!!!  It was scary - like finding a time capsule you buried in childhood.  Here's the entry:
Dream Life N5Y (Next 5 Years)
So I wanted:
- To do some kind of shopper/ social research
- To be in some serious, loving, lasting, trusting, monogamous relationship
- To live in a sweet cozy home in old building with balcony and high ceiling
- To have a golden retriever
- To be able to work from home sometimes
- To work in an area which involves writing and coming up with ideas
- To master portuguese
- To be able to work / live more overseas while I am still single
- To support my family and live closer to them
- To start a family with the right person

Em.... I don't know what to say.... 5 years from then, would be Nov 2012, not that far from now really.

Well, I DO have a dog now - not golden retriever but he is in every way comparable to, if not better than, a golden retriever :)

I WAS in some monogamous relationship for 2 years.... we WERE sweet and happy and trusting until... um... we weren't .... oops...  I WAS in a short relationship for a few months... and I WAS happy and felt sweet when we were together..... oops.  Guess I didn't really the hit lasting mark.

I have done a few shopper research projects.... as for social research, well I DID have a project interviewing bar girls in Thailand (that counts right??  "social"....)

I do financially support my family, even though they never moved closer to me

Balcony?  Nope.  High ceiling?  Well, not too low I guess.  Old building?  Sort of old but not that old...   I think I also mentioned having lots of plants.  For a while I did have some plants at home before they all died.
Travel - oh yeah indeed I traveled a lot in the past few years, so much and so far I prayed I could stay put in Hong Kong.

Master Portuguese....em......... not really.  Though I can read a little bit... Guess you don't count that as mastering.

Work from home....yeah I did get sick a lot and ended up doing a lot of conference calls, replying a lot of emails from home.

Writing.... not for a living... but yes I do update my blog and maintain my "happy" album - still haven't explored further.

Finally, start a family....... Wow, this is a big one.  Was close to achieving that before everything fell apart (more like BLEW UP).  After that, no one really saw me as wife material yet.  My Chinese soup of love, support through thick and thin, loyalty, generous supply of love hasn't received much appreciation.  Admittedly, those who remotely showed any interest, I ran away before they even got a chance to get close.  Perhaps I should open up to anyone and everyone and see how it goes! 

I don't know if I should blame my plan as lacking in focus/ substance, or I just haven't really stayed focused in searching for those things.  :(

Two Peas in a Pod, Traveling

Having done so many travels alone, these days I only enjoy solo traveling when I have someone special back home to share my experience with - real time.  I have never really thought about how the person at the receiving end felt though - hearing all the funny stories - real time - but not being there to experience it first hand.  Perhaps it really sucked for them!

I think I would still enjoy traveling alone on spiritual journeys - you know, places that are soulful, enlightening - unless I have a soulful companion who wouldn't spoil the mood.  Otherwise, for all other places, it's so much more enjoyable having someone to explore together. 

I am still very much a fairytale kinda girl.  Silly day dreaming like a little girl, thinking how cool it would be to run around with a guy holding hands, experiencing everything together like two peas in a pod.  Sort of like what Kev and I were, for a while at least (before things fell apart of course!).  I really really aspire to be just a simple girl running around with a simple guy.  You may say,"but you aren't a simple girl, dear."  And I would say,"but I AM just a simple girl being thrown into complicated, sad situations.  I don't belong in those situations, really."  And I know you still won't believe me.....

Happy Go Lucky

My dog is a happy-go-lucky puppy. When I am not around, no matter how much he loves me, he is able to have a great time with my friends. He doesn't lose his appetite, or his sleep. He makes the best out of whatever situation. I love him dearly, and am very happy he has such good spirit.

I do happen to know someone - my Brazilian ex - who has the same kind of spirit. Thus I used to call him puppy. He was a very happy pup indeed. He doesn't mourn for months over a breakup, he doesn't miss an opportunity to enjoy good times. He isn't a cold hearted person - he accepts changes, treasures good times, and frees himself from past burden.

I envy such true optimism.

Alone in Valencia

Arrived at Valencia, I hungrily walked around Plaza Reina to look for tapas.....

It's hard to have tapas for one person, as they are meant to be shared so I can only finish 2 tapas by myself without wasting food or money.

Drink: Cava. (I only know of cava and sangria in Spain)
Food: Calamares, and bacalhao with red pepper in olive oil (lovely on bread even though I normally don't eat pepper)
The bacalhao dish was a recommendation by the staff.  And I love it.

I'm enjoying my lunch on the sidewalk, surrounded by couples, groups of tourists. Being the only one eating alone, I am used to curious stares and unaffected. It's strangely chilled here, in Valencia, and I am already in love with the people here. The lady who recommended the bacalhao dish to me just stuck her head out of the window to ask if I liked the sweetness of the red pepper paired with the saltiness of the fish. Earlier, an old man walked over with a bottle of garlic mayo telling me I must try calamares with it  How sweet.

I sip my cava, watching people walk by, and am enjoying all this. I also think about the Spain trip o had with Angie - it was my first time in Europe and was very excited by everything around me. I also think what it would be like to be here with a special someone. I think it could be nice too, but sometimes it's nice to travel with someone who can also quietly enjoy the experience instead of frantically dash from tourist spot to tourist spot like competing in Amazing Race.

It's difficult isn't it, looking for companion with similar energy level, state of mind. Yet, I also admire couples who are able to accept extreme differences and accommodate. It's an art.

Tour Eiffel from Trocadéro

As advised by tripadvisor, the first night I arrived at Paris I waited till the sun set - after 10pm in June - and took the metro to Trocadéro to for a night view of the Eiffel Tower. It was very easy to get to, and the tower was right in front me! It was effortless taking this picture as I arrived late and avoided peak tourist times.
Was it really breathtaking? Well, I spent only 5 mins there. But it really is charming in picture so I definitely think it was well worth the quick visit!
I hope to also take the Bateau Mouche late tonight to have a little boat ride along the river lined by key monuments.... Let's see what time I finish work.

Curly is a lucky dog

Curly B, you are a very lucky dog. You are blessed with so many of us showering you with love and hugs and kisses and attention. While I am away these two weeks, Benny 哥哥 looks after you everyday, spending time with you, picking up your smelly poopie, combing your hair, feeding you food. Uncle Stephen spending his whole Saturday with you when Benny 哥哥 is in Macau. We all love you so much, we want to make sure you feel happy even when Mommy's away for 2 weeks.

Happy 7 months old, my Baby! I miss you so much like my own son.

Happiness is..... Having a good old friend

..... Who knows you so well that she can tell you you are out of your fu*king mind and not thinking straight (when you aren't). It is really invaluable having a voice of sanity standing by when you have the most retarded idea.

Happiness is..... Giving People a Break!

With my emotions often written all over my face, I could very easily ruin one's day, making one feel terrible about himself or herself. It's not nice and I've been learning to avoid it.

Past few days, despite observing some poor quality work, I managed not to feel upset or judge the person, but instead light heartedly helping these people out, reminding them how to do the work correctly, and doing all this with a sincere smile. I saw these people smiling at me and thanking me instead of having the usual scared look, I felt very happy I didn't ruin their days.

Happiness is..... Giving people a break.

Sensitive

Once a clairvoyant said to me: You grew up in an unhappy family, and it made you starting from a young girl very sensitive to people who were not happy. It affected you more than others because as a child you wanted so much to do something to make that person happy again, to help the situation but you couldn't. You felt helpless. As an adult this still affects you.

I do wish I could one day free myself from such guilt and sadness.

Whatsapp

I love Whatsapp. It's such a great chat tool I can't live without it.

But I also hate it. I hate that it shows whether the person you are chatting with is online or not, and that double ticks tell you if the person has read your message or not. It drives my mind wild wondering why someone read my message, is currently online, but isn't replying to my earlier comment. Is he/she in the bathroom? Does he/she have his/her hands full? Is he/she very busy? Was my comment offensive?

I don't know why I drive myself crazy over a little app!! I sometimes do hate that my own directness and impatience makes me crave for immediate response from other people when I know everyone's pace and style and priority is different. Take it easy, Lady!

(Hahahaha, just now someone told me he was in bathroom. I was waiting for his message as I was having such a bad day and really needed his "company")

Travel - Time for Reflection

I dread long business trips now, especially to uninteresting cities with very packed work meetings in office. It used to be more interesting when I could visit real people's homes for my work.

Yet, jetlag, flight waiting time, insomnia provides a great timeout to reflect on life. Being away from my usual surroundings often allow me to see my life from another perspective, reassessing my priorities.

I am in Frankfurt now. Not the most happening or beautiful city, but strangely, the squares, the fresh air, expressionless faces, slow walking pace amidst a mix of old and new (yet uninspiring architecture) calms my mind.

Appreciating Companionship

A long but very comfortable flight, now I understand why people pay so much for business class. 

I managed to sleep 7 hours and finished a movie, No Strings Attached. And it really got me thinking. 

Perhaps some relationships need a break up, time apart, to become stronger?  To give each other a chance to relax, not try so hard that it becomes stressful, to see each other's true personality?  To objectively consider if you can accept the other person's flaws, and likewise?  To rethink what you need?

I lived my life searching high and low for what I wanted, trying hard to stay focused - then I stopped searching in the past many months, just totally wanted to give up searching, and found comfort and balance in the simple companionship I had. It felt strangely nice. (And then I lost that companion.)

I'm not good at discussing these things with a guy I split with.  I always fear he will misunderstand me as trying to manipulate him.  The more I try to explain myself, the more I confuse a guy. How do you explain to a person it took you a long time to accept him, yet you hit it off quickly at first?  It sounds contradicting, but really it isn't. 

Perhaps it takes a certain level of maturity and stage of stability to appreciate the value of good companionship over a glamorous relationship others envy.

Companionship

People kept telling me to stop hanging out with my ex and start looking for a boyfriend. I kept telling them I really enjoyed his companionship and really wasn't in a rush to look for anyone. I was enjoying my time.

Then I found out as much as I enjoyed his companionship, I couldn't expect him to stick around forever. I kept stubbornly saying to myself, like a kid throwing temper tantrums: why not? Why can't we just keep having each other as company?

I felt sad. I felt hurt. I felt betrayed. I felt abandoned. I felt naive. I felt lonely.

My rational side told the little girl in me: people's priorities change, sweetie. Yesterday you were his priority, tomorrow you won't be.

I have been feeling quite lonely getting through everyday life alone. I really miss companionship. I miss having someone who genuinely care, and allow me to care.

Corporate Life Taught Me.....

To bite my tongue when my boss and senior management is making very stupid but determined decisions.  The operative word being: determined. 

If they are determined, let them be.  I will stay true to myself by not praising the decision.  Yet I will also protect myself (and my source of income) by not trying to change what I cannot change. 

Indeed, there are some things I can change in a corporate environment - and there are plenty more things I can't.  And if I try too hard to change the things I can't change, I not only waste my time and effort, hurt my own morale, but also make enemies in the process.  No win situation.

Sorry to disappoint.  There is very little justice in work life.