Lost My Dog, Beary

A few days ago, I lost my first puppy to dog disease, after meeting him 4 times, and having him home for 2.5 hours.  It's a heartbreaking experience.

I posted this on facebook, and while many friends showed their support and concern, this morning I woke up seeing a comment from a good friend: Maybe he doesn't like you!  hehe :P.  I was shocked and was extremely bothered by it the whole day.

Having known this friend for a while, I know she is a nice person and I am certain she didn't mean to upset me.  Though, I also know that she is not particularly passionate about small animals.  So, I can understand that she thought it was like breaking an iPhone on the first day of purchase or something.  That it sucked.

But no, it's not like that.  It's heartbreaking and painful to watch an animal whom you bond with suffer in pain and seek for your comfort and help.  The pup, Beary, had already recognized me after my 2nd visit.  When he was hyperventilating at my home, each time he would try to climb up to my neck to rest his head on my neck for reassurance.  The last day I saw him, at the vet, when I took him from the pet shop staff, he once again climbed up to my neck and fell asleep with his head resting next to my neck.  He was having higher temperature and feeling very sick.  This, I think, is what they call connection.  I didn't see him doing this with any of the store staff or my friend who also held him.

People wonder why I am so attached to this little animal after just spending so little time with him.  I think anyone who has ever had a pet particularly close to him would understand.  I have lived with many animals in my life.... numerous birds, turtles, 4 rabbits, a cat, many fish, but none of those made me feel needed and trusted like Beary did.  For the first time in my life, I felt like I could truly give support to another living creature - and it wasn't because I had done anything to gain its trust and prove my love... I hadn't even had a chance to feed the little thing.  It just trusted me and felt safe with me.

Some friends told me to go to SPCA or Hong Kong Dog Rescue to get another dog.  I am fully pro-adoption, but for me, getting my first dog is a special thing to me.  It's not like I just want A dog, ANY dog... I want a dog I am genuinely excited about and feel a connection with.  I love Golden Retrievers, for example, but I cannot afford the time and energy to accommodate their active lifestyle needs.  I like tollers, but they can't be found in Hong Kong, not to mention at the Dog Rescue.  I like some poodles, but I am only excited about certain ones I... just like... and they are likely to be quite young.  Adopting dogs is a very respectful thing to do.  But at this stage in my life, without any dog raising experience, I am not ready to get a dog for the sake of saving a life, I want to first keep a dog whose breed and temperament suits my lifestyle and whose presence excites me.  I don't know how to explain this to others without being misunderstood.  It's like, I am totally pro-adoption of babies (human) and if my future husband is equally supportive, I would go for it.  Though most people do prefer to have their own when there are so many kids out there who need a loving family.  There you go. Who am I to tell people not to have their own but to adopt?!

Past two days I went to see a silverish dog in a very reputable shop which directly took from breeder and kept for me to consider.  The shopgirl explained how special and rare the color was for a poodle, how healthy and active that dog was, and my friends told me how cute the dog looked......  I thought to myself for a while, perhaps I should just get this one since it's a very healthy dog and I wouldn't need to go through the heartbreak from keeping a younger pup.  Last minute, when I had to make the decision, I told the staff I wasn't sure about the dog and they should sell it to others.  The fact was, the dog was cute but I didn't feel special chemistry with him.  As smart and active as he was, I felt so much pressure having to outsmart him and dominate each interaction.  Though the Beary incident was so painful - it's been 2 days and I am still crying - I still believe that I shouldn't just settle for a supposedly "good" dog.  I don't care if my dog is rare and will be praised by others.  I just want a dog who can share that bond I had with Beary.  I honestly don't know what I did to gain his trust, but my friends and the staff saw how Beary wanted to be close to me especially when he was very sick.

This experience really makes me understand how precious a bond is between a human and his dog.  Unlike humans, it really is unconditional. 

Gingerbread Man Cookies for a Very Merry Xmas

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas!  I am looking forward to mine as I will be hosting a special New Year's Eve Kinect Party at my place and I will be cooking mulled wine, giving out my gingerbread man cookies, baking sweet potato fries and chicken wings for some of my closest friends in Hong Kong.

Here's some pictures of my gingerbread man creations :)  I love mine with lots of colors like they are in Hawaii or something haha!

Merry Christmas!  Put all sadness behind you and get into the festive mood!

Dear Stefan

Dear Stefan,

This is a note which will never reach you because it will never be sent out.

I had a weird dream last night with you in it. I was in my favorite restaurant and there you were sitting right across from me at the same table. As stunned as me, you tried to get close to talk to me but I didn't say anything. Then the scene faded out. Next thing I knew, I was running back to the restaurant trying to look for you but you weren't there anymore. I wanted so bad to find you and talk to you - about what? I don't know. I just needed to find you badly.

I woke up feeling awful. Awful that my mind betrayed me and let you creep into my dream? Awful that you will always just stay in my dream? I don't know. I just felt awful most of the day. Occasionally I would still suddenly get a weird "hunch" and turn around to see if you might be there, after 3 years now, but I have stopped actively thinking about you for a while, which is a great accomplishment.

I seriously thought about going to the hypnotist and ask for all traces of memory of you be removed. But I didn't because I knew I'd regret for life.

I cannot explain why I wouldn't forgive someone for being mean or sneaky, but would so easily forgive you or K for breaking my heart. I cannot explain why I forgave your weakness which I so despised.

I don't know why I want to see you again but I do. And it's not like why I would want to meet with K again, because I deeply care about him but I can't say the same for you anymore. Perhaps that was why you left. Because we couldn't explain why we were drawn to each other. Perhaps it didn't seem real enough. Perhaps it didn't feel real enough because it wasn't ordinary enough.

Dress Warm and Slim for the Cold Weather

Hong Kong's temperature has suddenly dropped from yesterday afternoon's 20C to today's 8C.  Having lived in a very cold country before, 8C doesn't scare me but I have to admit that without central heating in Hong Kong, plus the high humidity, 8C does feel much colder than it is. 

It amuses me to see short women dressed in thick, shapeless down jacket, and buried under layers and layers of clothing.  Today, I went to work wearing just 3 layers - a wool coat, a cashmere wide neck top, and a thermal camisole.  I felt very warm already.  OK, I did have a soft scarf as well.  Still, that was a lot fewer layers than others and my clothing was still flattering and slimming!

I think women need to learn to buy fewer quantities but invest in quality clothing.  It's pointless trying to layer with cotton or polyester sweaters because that wouldn't keep them warm!  What they need is warm and light fabric!  Do invest in some cashmeres for winter, and add a form fitting thermal wear underneath for added warmth. Marks & Spencer has a great selection of thermal wear and some items look quite pretty, like the camisoles with lace.  Thermal doesn't mean ski wear!  I used to imagine thick black liners but they are nothing like that!  Check it out, really.  You won't regret it.  They also have thermal tights which are perfect if you are going to snowy places.

More iPhone 4 camera and photo editing apps

Two months ago I wrote about the various iPhone 4 compatible camera apps.  Since then I've experimented with a few more apps, some being camera apps, some being photo editing apps.  I'd like to share them here today.

So last time I recommended Hipstamatic, LENSES, LOFI, Polarize, Color Splash, True HDR, and ToonCamera.  My latest camera app favourite is LOMO.  Cos it's very easy to use, fakes a vignette, and you can either choose a normal output versus various color effects (which I rarely use unless I am going for a more artistic feel).

The Victoria Prison collage on the left was also created (on my PC using Picasa 3) with snapshots taken with LOMO app.  Since the prison was very eerie, I used quite a lot of the effects I normally wouldn't use to "beautiful" a scary prison.  It is amazing despite low light and not using a flash, the colors really pop!

Apart from camera apps, I do use some fun apps to edit my iPhone snapshots on the iPhone.  My favourites are PhotoFunia, PS Express and Comic Strip.

PhotoFunia doesn't actually edit your pictures.  It combines your picture with a selected funny background (see below):

PS Express is a simplified version of Photoshop.  You can do simple cropping, enhancing brightness, saturation, etc., and you can add borders/frames to your pictures.  There are also a few photo effects but I am not a big fan.

Comic Strip is a fun app.  You can use a few pictures to form like a comic strip and add shout outs to your pictures.

Finally, I have a doodling app called Doodle Buddy which is fun to use for simple drawings or to use it to insert some text boxes to a pictures.  

Drawing for myself

A card for my friend

 Have fun!  I think most of these apps are free, but please check with iTunes.

I hate 小氣鬼

Ten minutes ago, I put my foot down and blocked a former friend/ occasional suitor/ former fling from my Whatsapp, MSN, and am considering removing him from my facebook list altogether.

Some of my close friends have already heard a lot about this guy: how he didn't pursue me for months after we met and then bitched about me hooking up with other guys, how he offended me by calling me Hongkie and refusing to apologize even after I explained to him the meaning, how we agreed to make plans for a Saturday night and the day before he said he invited some friends and asked if I'd like to join.....  All these happened a while ago and we hadn't really been in touch lately.

Last weekend, I suddenly got some random messages from this guy on Whatsapp, and I replied with "huh?" as I was completely clueless.  He replied with, "nothing."  This repeated three times in a row within 20 minutes.  So I ignored his messages assuming he was being weird or he might have sent me messages by mistake.

Just now, he sent me some random message, and we exchanged some silly, meaningless messages.... when I mentioned the lack of a handsome guy emoticon on iPhone, he sent me a picture of a man.  The man in the picture looked like he was in his late 30's, serious, mature, face a little chubby, skin a bit rough, banker/ businessman looking...  I spoke my mind and said,"who is that?  He looks very scary."  He replied,"Sexy.  Your English is going downhill."  I replied,"who is he?  He really scares me."  He said,"that's me!"  I said,"no way!  The face doesn't look like you.  The skin condition doesn't look like you.  Those glasses aren't even yours!"  He said,"it's me!"  (Okay I have to admit that I was stupid and still didn't believe it was him and I did say,"What?!!!  No way!!  What happened?  That doesn't look like you at all!"  (I guess "what happened" did it.)  Suddenly he said,"okay I'm going to bed.  Good night."  I replied,"what?!  That's so rude of you!"  He then said I was mean to make fun of him.  I tried to explain, but without luck, and finally told him not to ever message me again.

Jesus Christ!  I really had no friggin clue that was him!  I did re-open that picture 4 times for a close look, and I was damn sure that wasn't him!  Last time I saw him was a few months ago and he still looked exactly the same as he had always looked - young, cheeky, quite good-looking, and with rather nice skin.  How would I know he became fat and bloated and old in just 2 months?!  I immediately went on facebook to check his latest pictures - and indeed in his last three pictures he looked 8 years older and 1.5 times his normal size.

Regardless, I've put up with a lot of his spoiled brat shit for a long time.  I decided that was it!  I had to cut him off and not let him upset me anymore.  As much as I occasionally had fun times with him, he really is too weird and spoiled and immature for me, even as a friend.  I am so sick of immature guys who have no clue how to treat a girl nicely and with respect.

Let me start my year afresh!

A Tribute to the Best Pick-Up Artists

If I were a guy, I would aspire to be an ultra smooth pickup artist.

Being a female, I never cease to be impressed by advanced pickup skills and technique.  I think it is indeed an art!

The best pickup artists need to possess certain qualities: Decisiveness, Focus, Efficiency, Confidence, Small Ego, Eloquence, Spontaneity, Outstanding Observation, Friendly & Harmless Impression, Persistence.  Let me cite a real example:

Today my female friend and I were walking quite fast along Staunton Street.  Suddenly, a friendly voice came from behind me,"you don't feel cold wearing that in this weather?  I'm wearing a sweater!"  I turned around and saw this middle aged Australian man walking behind me at the same pace as me, and I replied with a laugh,"yeah it is indeed a real pain figuring out how to dress for this temperature! Wool seems too hot, T-shirt seems too thin....."  The man kept walking with us, as if we had been walking together as friends all along, and started talking about the weather and his sweater.  When he noticed I wasn't responsive to that, he asked,"so what plans have you girls got for the day?"  We pretended we didn't hear him and kept walking.   He then changed the topic,"have you heard of Detour at the Victoria Prison?  I wonder if it's worth checking out.  I used to work at the Central Police Station but never got around to checking out the prison itself."  At that time my friend and I have already turned left to walk down to Hollywood Road, and I replied (while still walking),"oh it's wonderful, you really should check it out.  You actually should walk back up to enter from Old Bailey Street instead of walking down in our direction.  You'll get to see some interesting exhibits and check out the prison cells."  Noticing that he got our attention when he mentioned Detour, he mentioned once again,"I used to work in the Police Station around the corner but never checked out the prison....."  Still walking, we ignored him and he finally gave up.  He was actually really smooth, but too bad he was old, ugly and fat.  If he had been cute, we might have considered going to the tour with him.

So, what was so great about his pick-up skills?
Decisiveness - Often times you only have a few seconds to decide whether or not to pursue a girl when the opportunity arises, whether in the street, in the elevator, at the pedestrian crossing.....  If you can't make up your mind, you wasted the opportunity.
Focus & Efficiency - Once you decide to pursue, you need to stay focused, with the ultimate objective of picking up the girl.  You need to get her attention, earn her trust, and get her number/ get her to join you for a drink, etc.  In the process, you need to be extremely efficient as you don't have all day to pick her up.  So you are competing with time.  You need to find the hot button as quickly as possible.
Confidence and Small Ego - Put down your ego - to get a girl's attention you cannot be arrogant or shy.  You won't see her again, so nothing to be embarrassed about.  You've got nothing to lose.  Give it all you got!
Spontaneity - Often times, golden pick-up opportunities arise out of the blue.  Depending on the situation, you improvise and ride on the occasion.
Eloquence - The best pick-up lines are non-scripted ones.  You've got to work with the situation and say the right things to get her attention.  It needs to be something relevant.  Like the above example, he talked about my interesting choice of outfit for that weather, and asked about Detour at Victoria Prison - something artsy, cultural and hence high hit rate.
Outstanding Observation - You need to observe the behaviour of the target and talk about something as relevant as possible to her in order to warm her up and generate interest to respond.
Friendly & Harmless Impression - Girls are taught at a young age not to talk to strangers, especially men.  So to get us to talk to you, you certainly need to appear harmless and friendly.  You cannot look like criminal, a rapist, a crook.  You also need to have the ability to get near to the girl's comfortable physical distance without startling her.  You then work on gaining her trust.
Persistence - You may not get her attention with the first shot.  But you must not give up so hastily.  Persist!  Keep trying with the amount of time you got until you have a good chance of closing the deal.

I have high respect for those who are good at this art, as it is indeed quite appealing to me a guy's assertiveness and confidence to do this sort of thing.  I am a traditional female - I love being pursued and admired.  I think I have fallen for some of the most advanced pick-up technique many times - of course very selectively - and have been in relationships with those "artists" afterwards!  I suppose it's exactly because most guys I meet in social events, who expressed their interest in me to mutual friends - are afraid to pursue me, and it really turns me off they have such little self-confidence, hence I particularly am impressed by those who dare to just walk up to me and pick me up!


Salute to the world's best pick-up artists!  We need more guys like you!

Ex, don't feel bad that I'm single

I find it quite funny that every once in a while, completely out of the blue, an ex from centuries ago would suddenly appear out of nowhere to "chat", and eventually leading to the same question: if I am married, if I am attached, etc.  It's so predictable, each time a long-ago ex sends me a message, I time that person how long it takes him to "pop the question" - so how are you doing? - and I automatically offer the information he is seeking.

I honestly don't know the ultimate reason for wanting to know my latest status.  Out of true concern?  Out of vengeance?  ('Cos I might have been a bitch to some when I was much younger?)  Out of competition?  (Hoping I haven't yet found The One sooner than they have?)

It's quite funny how some of them sound very worried about me.  "You deserve a nice guy."  "I don't understand why you can still be single."  "I really hope to see you happily married."  The funny thing is, usually the worried ones are those I wasn't very nice to.  When I hear their concern, I am sometimes tempted to say to them,"I was so spoiled back then, and was quite cruel to you.  You didn't ever see the mature me who is so caring, loving, giving, forgiving!  Why should you worry about that bitch from years ago?"  (In fact, as I am writing this, my first boyfriend ever is now messaging me on MSN and the last time we chatted was probably 4 years ago!  He got married years ago and now has a 4.5 year old kid in Toronto.  I was quite a bitch to him when I was 20.  I really was so spoiled and cruel.)

In any case, I appreciate those who truly think I deserve love and happiness from love.  Perhaps, after so many years, they finally forgave me for hurting them, realized I probably got hurt in the process as well, and remembered me by my true nature.

To everyone I have ever loved and treasured deeply, I hope one day you will finally remember me as the girl you fell in love with.....
Her eyes.
Her smile.
Her mischief.
Her silliness.
Her cheekiness.
Her singing in the shower.
Her passion.
Her devotion.
Her sweetness.
Her love. 

Forget her pain.  Forget... her tears.

Writer's Block? Blogger's Fear?

Haven't been updating my blog as frequently as I had used to - especially after having iPhone 4 which demands so much of my attention!  ;)  Well, it's only part of the reason, but indeed I have been using my laptop a lot less than before.

I suppose I have been keeping myself quite occupied with a variety of little things, hmm....like reading ebooks, the dog book, watching US TV shows, watering my many plants and looking after cut flowers, cooking for myself, meeting up with close friends, etc. so I have been spending less time contemplating life and mourning over whatever I had occasionally mourned over. 

One other key reason is that it has become increasingly difficult to write - being conscious of the fact that some of my blog entries have made it to the first page of google search results, like if you search for "Victoria Prison Detour", and it increases the chance of an acquaintance stumbling onto my blog and noticing my face in some of the pictures. 

I know I'm supposed to keep writing whatever I want to write about, being a "blogger".  Though, in reality, I do not live in my own little world disconnected from rest of the society.  It's not so much about worrying what others think, but the consequences of that.  I think overall I am a person with no secrets - but that doesn't mean I tell everything to everyone, I share certain things with certain people and not with others.  Hypothetically speaking, if I were job hunting and wrote about it and my own teammates read about it, that certainly would not be good for me or for the team's morale.  Again, hypothetically speaking, if I were interested in a guy I just met, and he read about my painful?  complicated? past, that wouldn't be good for me either - and certainly not be good for him since he'd miss out on such a great, loving, sweet, entertaining girl! LOL

I suppose I am still trying to find the right balance between sensitivity and honest expression of my thoughts.

Pack Animals

I have been seriously considering getting a dog AGAIN, and this time around, I even started watching an episode of dog tv show, Dog Whisperer, and reading Cesar Millan's Be the Pack Leader.  The book and the TV show keep referring to dogs as pack animals - who care about the overall well-being of the group as opposed to individual dog's benefit.  Today, when my friend invited me over to join her and her boyfriend for a boxing day dinner, while feeling extremely grateful for the very sweet thought, I thought of the concept of pack animals.

I do notice that there's some people around me who are always motherly, very willing to take care of people around them, who proactively offer to help or even just bond; while at the other end of the spectrum there are people who care a lot more about their own interests and well-being - not that they are selfish or anything - who are happily content not connecting with others until something unfortunate happens and they need support from friends.

I am not passing judgment here what is the right value.  When thinking about this pack animal concept, I just realize that as individualistic as I used to be when growing up, and as much as I used to spend time alone, I actually am a pack animal and I bond so much better with people who enjoy the companionship of people apart from their intimate partner - people who genuinely care about their friends through action rather than just words.

It's hard to be "thirty-something and single", but I much prefer to live my life doing things I enjoy, listening to my heart (since I am already a rather rational person), spending time with friends - new and old alike - who make my time spent worthwhile, rather than forcing myself to throw myself at any Tom, Dick and Jerry, and begging friends to hang out.

If I have had any personal accomplishments this year, I did get out of my comfort zone to join a new dragonboat team, reached out to a completely new social circle, made some new friendships with like-minded and genuine people both at work and off work, and learned that I didn't have to live in isolation from the world without a boyfriend.  I did have some very good times this year, and through pain from separation, I learned to embrace dearly ever single happy moment I experienced.

Pamper Yourself: Aesop Ginger Root Soap Slab

Went to Aesop shop with my friend and by chance I learned about this soap bar which smells heavenly!  The one I got was Ginger Root Soap Slab, it smells like mix of ginger, lavender and geranium - very invigorating as if you just came out of a spa.  Costs a little over HKD100 for a huge slab, you can cut it into smaller blocks to use.  It's costly to go to a spa in the city every week, but for about $100 I can take many daily spa-scented relaxing showers!  Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Film I look forward to: Chico and Rita

Thanks to friend, Dion, here's a movie I am looking forward to. 

DETOUR 2010: Victoria Prison Open to Public

Was walking around Soho with Candy looking for art galleries today, when we walked by Victoria Prison in Old Bailey Street and noticed it was open to public visits.  So we walked in.

It was Detour 2010 - Victoria Prison open day with art exhibition, creative workshops, and art fair.  The event runs from Nov 26 to Dec 12, 2010.  For details, please visit http://www.detour.hk/.

It was an interesting tour around this historical, colonial building.  While it was certainly exciting in a very eerie way checking out the prison house, the various modern art exhibits were visually stimulating and creative.  There was also an interactive painting workshop allowing anyone to pick up a pot of paint and a paintbrush to help complete the project.  It was my first time in 20 years picking up a paintbrush and I certainly enjoyed the fun.

With more and more art & heritage events happening in town, there's no longer excuses for anyone to stay home on weekends and complain that Hong Kong is boring.

Open Letter to Facebook: Erase My History!

Dear Facebook,

I went to watch The Social Network and as much as I understand some parts are fictional, and other parts dramatized, I liked it very much.

It has been great having an open platform to share information with other "friends" however close or distant, since the day I became a member in 2007.  While I haven't been the most supportive when it comes to playing your game application partners' games like Farmville, Mafia Wars, etc. - I have blocked these applications and sometimes along with the "friends" who sent me those annoying requests - I have been a very active and supportive member of facebook in terms of updating status, checking newsfeed, making comments, updating my relationship status, and of course uploading thousands of pictures of mine.

Yet, the more information I have accumulated on FB, the more difficult it is to manage accessibility of such information by my new "friends" - especially potential suitors.  My very "rich" dating history has always been transparent to older "friends" but certainly my new "friends" don't always need to know so much about my past - one can map out my dating timeline with key names & faces & significant events.  (Now this is an idea for a fab app if it's not already available).  

I would certainly appreciate one of the below functions to avoid such future embarrassment:
(1) A simple function to search one's all past interactions with a "friend", from pictures tagged together, to wall messages exchanged, to comments on pictures, pictures of that "friend" posted by  and vice versa - and SELECTIVELY REMOVE SUCH HISTORY from he/her FB page.
(2) To keep all such history but either
a. Block one's history with a certain "friend" from a new "friend".
b. Block one's new "friend" from seeing any of his/her past information/ postings/ tags before a certain date in his/her life.  (E.g. before the day she broke up with an ex.)

If your platform is so successful in allowing people to share information easily anytime, anywhere, please also enable comparable ease of removing/blocking/hiding information we don't wish to share with everyone.

Your consideration is much appreciated.

PS: I believe dictionaries should give "friend" a new official definition - Facebook has redefined the meaning of friend to any contact one establishes as a connection on Facebook.

Sincerely,
Tea Yee

The Deceased - Friendship in Relationship Rarely Lasts

A friend of mine debated with me a few months ago whether ex's could remain friends.  I argued that they could.  A few months later, I realized what a freak my boyfriend from a few years ago was - the one who sneakily threw my phone onto the floor when I caught him checking my phone.  Now I realize even my 2-year ex is not my friend.

It really sucks to realize that I spent 2 years with someone, treating him like family, like the most precious thing to me, he is afterall "the deceased" - in Brazilian portuguese, they call ex's who are no longer somebody "the deceased".  For months I thought he was still a great friend deep down and we cared about each other as friends.  Then he came over this morning, broke some news to me, made me cry (which I didn't and don't blame him for) - and to top it off he once again said that he hadn't done anything wrong but I made him feel bad about it.  Yes, it was apparently evil of me to feel hurt, because it appeared to him a passive-aggressive way to make him feel guilty.

It was after that I realized that he was never a true friend to me.  All that time I was with him, he did so many unintentional but extremely hurtful things to me - and when he felt bad about it he accused me of making him feel bad.  If he had been a true friend, he wouldn't have hurt me the way he had in the first place.  He would have avoided it.  He would have thought about consequences of his words before saying things like,"my parents were right about you!"

I only truly realize now that friendship in relationships rarely means anything after the relationships die.  I have also become "the deceased" to them.  My feelings don't matter at all.

Things which make me happy - Quality Time with Family

I didn't write about this earlier, because it hasn't really hit me yet.  Some of you know about my family relationship, that I had a rather unpleasant childhood, witnessing a loveless marriage, brother was rebellious, mom depressed, etc.  For years my dad felt that we were his burden.

I think last year I went to see an Australian psychic, who told my entire childhood story as if he had witnessed everything, and said it was time for me to bring my family back together.  Back then I was going through a very emotional period with my then boyfriend, and for the first time I shared that with my family.  Since then I became closer to my brother.

A few months ago, I thought of an idea and encouraged my brother to come back to HK for a visit, so that the whole family could spend time together - 6 years after his last visit.  On Saturday, when I was meeting up with my parents - something we do only once very few months - I messaged my brother and told him we were having dim sum, so that he could feel part of it.  That evening, I also posted a collage of the day, which moved my brother and led him to write a very very long and emotional email to us, explaining to us why he'd been quiet lately, and apologizing for causing so much sadness in the family for years when he was growing up.  I didn't reply to that email at first, because it was too heavy to once again bring back memories of my childhood.  Yet, to my surprise, my dad replied.  My dad - a very stubborn character who could not take any criticisms.  He actually replied and accepted responsibility for not properly treating my brother's ADHD (hyperactive disorder) when he was young because my brother as a kid didn't want to see the child psychologist after just one session.  I read the email and closed it, without really allowing myself to react to it.  I think my mind was trying to block out my emotions to protect me or something.  One day later, just an hour ago when I read my friend's facebook note about her visiting her grandmother anonymously since she had run away from home years ago, I wrote her an email trying to show her my support - which then turned into me sharing with her my experience with my family lately, the email and all that.  When writing about it, I started crying.  And I am crying again now as I write.  It is very emotional for me to write or think about my family because while each one of us is actually quite passionate and emotional as a person, all our lives we shared so little emotions towards our own family.  We were very reserved when it came to showing love for each other.  We cared a lot about each other but we showed it either through nagging or annoyance when the person wouldn't listen.  I think among the four of us, my mom was already the more expressive one - but she only became expressive when my brother and I became grown-ups and she was no longer depressed.  In my childhood, my mom was full of anger and sadness.

So here's a picture of me and my parents spending an afternoon together:

I took them to a quiet dim sum restaurant, then to Times Square to look for a duffel bag with heels for my dad to drag his clothes and tennis racquet to the tennis court (we couldn't find one) and ended up getting Mom a white, light, soft fleece jacket from North Face, and a cool looking fleece hoodie for Dad from Marks & Spencer.  We then shopped for some cookies and candies in Marks & Spencer, bought some ryebread for Mom in a Japanese bakery (my parents love bread), and finally I dragged (we were all tired from all the walking) them to Central to have a Holly Brown coffee.  My mom loves coffee.

It was a rare happy day we had together as a family, actually doing stuff we all enjoyed.  Normally it would be me going to their place for dinner and leaving after two hours to catch the shuttle bus back home (they live almost 2 hours away from me).

Perhaps we are all getting old.  We know that there won't be a lot of time left to spend together.  My dad is 77, my mom around 67.  It's about time to forget the unhappy past, and focus on spending happier times together in the present and near future.  And, showing our love and care.

My Bittersweet Journey

I haven't been updating my blog as often as before, partly because I haven't been using my laptop much these days (thanks to quick internet surfing on iPhone4), and partly because I have been going through some emotional ups and downs lately - not extreme lows, just occasional blues especially at the thought of Christmas and New Year's Eve.

I've been thinking a lot about the feeling of loneliness, friends drifting apart, love lost and forgotten, uncertainty about where life would be leading me, and so on and so forth.  Never in my life I felt so insecure about the present and the future.  I've always had faith in finding someone special to walk with me into the unknown future eventually, and that faith was reassuring.  Then January came.....whatever happened happened.... I still hope that person exists in my future, but it's merely a hope, or even a dream, instead of an expectation.  I never experienced true loneliness, as for years I had single friends to stick around as a support group for one another.  Then friends moved on, having their own family lives, or new exciting circles.  These days, even if I try to arrange some gatherings, I may not even have anyone turn up.

Though, thanks to my special friend who offered me company and even her guest bedroom should I need to crash her place during these festive days as a third wheel.  It was very touching for her to offer that.  I truly appreciate that.  Thanks for truly caring, and actually trying to help me feel better.

Work hasn't been too hectic, but not extremely rewarding either.  It used to be better when I had my mentor around for some support.  Now I turn to my peers (a few trusted ones) to moan - not advisable but there's no one else I can talk to about work.  So, yes, for a while I've been feeling pretty lonely at work.

Despite feeling lonely and all that, this year has been an amazing one for me to get out of my little shell to connect with people, share my thoughts and hear others' stories.  I've been actively meeting friends and trying to get to a selected few better and vice versa.  These aren't just random people who are weird and all that, but interesting, intelligent people I could have a good time with.  I don't remember myself being so open about meeting new friends before.  For many years my core group of friends had stayed the same - until they started drifting apart that is.  Perhaps this really is a transformation year for me, to reach out and connect with people outside of my own small circle, share with people my thoughts on happiness.  Each time I receive a new "like" for my "Things that make me happy" album from some acquaintance who hardly ever talks to me on facebook or in person, it still brings a smile to my face because I know I successfully touched one more person around me.  The personal project of mine to make it bigger is still on.  I am exploring possibility of turning it into an ebook, and expanding the scope of the exploration/ research of happiness.
 

煩女人!

哎呀, 好煩! 我真係好怕煩嘅女人! 咿咿哦哦!  又話出o黎,又話唔出,又話早, 又話晏! 好煩!!!! 咁煩嘅女人點搵男友?! 
Please, 做人話一就一, 二就二! 諗三諗四, 又想睇下有無better alternatives先決定, 當我係妾士咩?!  做朋友做到o禁, 都幾心淡!

I Deserve It!

Today I got a voice message: Hello Ms Tang.  This is One2Free (mobile operator) calling.  I am Miss Wong and I am sorry that I am late in calling you back regarding your request to have your membership tier upgraded.  I have checked and you have become our Diamond member.  If you have questions you can call us back.

I smiled to myself after listening to this voice message - I had called up this mobile operator more than a month ago explaining that considering my high mobile phone usage (in some months when I travelled a lot for business, my monthly bill could be as high as HKD 10K), I deserved to be upgraded to a higher membership tier by default (which would entitle me to much shorter waiting time for customer hotline).  I felt a bit annoyed and lame when I had to call up the hotline (and being put on hold for half an hour) and request for what I "deserved"; call back twice after a few weeks to ask why they hadn't called me back to update me on the result.  Now I am very glad I did it, and I got what I deserved. 

I was thinking about this as I was taking a quiet stroll back home from Causeway Bay.  Whether at work, in relationship, or in everyday life, we need to know our worth and let others know how we deserve to be treated.  We cannot force others to treat us well, but the least we could do for ourselves is calmly remind others what we are worth and how we should be treated.  If they ignore it and mistreat us, we have the right to walk away.....

I don't consciously think about this, but I am indeed a person with principles and I do stand by my principles unless someone gives me a good reason for violating them - in which case I would accept.  A few months ago, when having a chat with a male friend who is very opinionated and generally very intelligent, we were debating about a certain topic, and after listening to his argument, I said he had a fair point and I agreed with him.  He said to me, wow I am surprised!  For someone who has such a strong character, you actually do listen to others' opinion and can accept it.  I said, why not?  I may have an opinion about a lot of things but I certainly can't be right about everything.  If you have a better logic and explanation of things, why wouldn't I listen?  I find it hard to deal with this in a relationship though.  Not every guy is open minded about discussing things and when I try to bring up a point - especially related to how I feel I should be treated - it could really make him defensive instead of calmly explaining his logic and allowing us both to peacefully understand each other and find common ground.  It sucks having to request for something I feel reasonable (Please can we not go on holiday with your cousin's family?), yet being rejected flatly and accused of being unreasonable (Why can't I go on holiday with my cousin's family?  Why don't you like my family?!).  It sucks even more if I just do as I'm told, be quiet about it, yet the person doesn't even realize the sacrifice I am making because I love him.

Lately, I've been recalling a lot of the things Kev and I had done for each other.  At the same time I also recalled how 委屈 I had felt, not being able to talk about anything in a civilized, understanding, loving manner despite how much we loved each other.  I wish I could turn back time and bravely tell him, Kev I hope you could do this for me because I deserve it.  Because I unfailingly loved you all this time, I deserve it.

We deserved a happy life together.  Unfortunately, as I said earlier, we can request for what we deserve,  but we don't always get what we deserve.  Still, we owe it to ourselves to ask for what we feel we deserve.

么鳳: Triggering Memories of Mom and Aunt

Today on my way back home from work, I walked by 么鳳, a very traditional Chinese dried snack shop in Causeway Bay, which suddenly reminded me of my aunt (whom I grew up calling "姨媽媽") and my mom who loved taking me to this shop when I was very little.  The thought of them made me emotional and miss them very much.

 

I called my mom at once, trying once again to persuade her to come to town and visit me.  She then told me about my aunt (in her late 60's) having hurt her foot some weeks ago and had been having trouble walking even around the flat - but she refused to see a doctor.

 

I spent a long time trying to explain to my mom how she needed to keep pushing Aunt to have her foot checked out, as it could be serious.  My mom kept telling me how difficult it was to persuade my aunt.....  how my aunt said that she couldn't walk across the street to take a taxi..... how taxis couldn't stop right outside her building's entrance.....  (My aunt's son is mentally handicapped so naturally he can't help her.  Her husband, for some bizarre reason, also has not taken her to the hospital.  Neither has she called the ambulance, for fear of embarrassment.)  I called back and taught my mom what counter arguments she could give, how she could called an ambulance for her if she really couldn't walk, etc.

 

It makes me very sad sometimes trying to care for someone who keeps refusing my help or giving me reasons why he/she doesn't need help.  It really pains me, makes me 心痛.  Like for so long I tried to convince my parents to move back to the city, to be closer to me, so I can visit them and take care of them.  They keep saying no, and yet they aren't really taking good care of each other.  

 

I understand that sometimes we hope to save the whole world but we can't.  I don't intend to save the whole world, I only hope I can at least help those I love and care about.  I wish I could do more, if only they would let me.